April 24, 2016 — Smoke Returns to Race at Richmond
PISTOL CREEK — The Pistol Creek City Council last night approved what is believed to be the nation’s first “Free Evolution Zone” in the parking lot of the Towne Center Shopping Plaza, which includes anchor stores Piggly Wiggly, Target, Ace Hardware and Cabela’s.
“We are extremely happy with this vote,” said Vic Galapagos, founder and chairman of CLAP, the group that originally proposed the legislation. “We don’t believe anyone should be found criminally liable for the process of natural selection.”
Based loosely on the concept of Free Trade Zones (FTZ) and Urban Enterprise Zones (UEZ), where regulations and the intervention of authorities are greatly reduced to spur economic growth and development, Pistol Creek’s Free Evolution Zone is a specially designated amnesty area where acts normally considered to be felonies may be reduced to misdemeanors or automatically “no billed,” if the victim can be shown to have acted like a complete idiot.
“It’s about time that our society starts thinning the herd for its own good,” said Galapagos. CLAP stands for Culling the Lamebrains and Assholes for Progress. “And we can start right here in the parking lot of the Piggly Wiggly.”
Critics claim Galapagos was personally motivated by several instances of shopping cart dings in his brand new GMC Denali by distracted shoppers texting while navigating through the parking lot.
“While it is true that some of our valued customers might exhibit a deficit of situational awareness, seem excessively self-absorbed and display the appearance of lacking common courtesy and consideration for others,” responded Target spokesperson Caitlin Brady-Giffords, “we would prefer to see the government take a more inclusive approach to finding a solution to this situation.”
Cabela’s, on the other hand, seemed to embrace the new city ordinance with a sale on ammunition.
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