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Hey Hey, Ho Ho, Darwinism Has To Go

July 12, 2019 Leave a comment

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MUDCAT FALLS — A student group calling itself the Comintern of Liberals Against the Patriarchy gathered outside the Mudcat Falls Community College Biology Department demanding that the sciences be freed from domination by white European males.

“The evolutionary playing field needs to be leveled,” exclaimed CLAP Secretary General Rachel Sanger through a bullhorn to the crowd of nearly a dozen protesters. “I stand here today to draw the line in the dustbin of history and toss the gauntlet before the feet of tyranny…equality today…equality tomorrow…equality forever.”

The students presented a petition signed by a consensus of Social Scientists, Women’s Studies Professors, and Planned Parenthood professionals calling upon the Administration to cleanse the Science Department syllabi from all references to Darwin’s Theory of Evolution on the basis that competence is an unfair measure for sustainability and merely a dog whistle to Trump Deplorables to justify the class-based discrimination of fascist billionaires.

The petition also called for the Louis Pasteur Biology building to be renamed Lysenko Hall.

“Can there be any clearer symbol of White Privilege,” said Sanger, “than naming a building after the man infamous for making milk pure?”

White privilege (or white skin privilege) is the societal privilege that in some countries benefits white people over non-white people, particularly if they are otherwise under the same social, political, or economic circumstances. Academic perspectives such as critical race theory and whiteness studies use the concept to analyze how racism and racialized societies affect the lives of white or white-skinned people.

“Based on the performance of their sports teams, I can understand their hard-on for competence,” said Pistol Creek University football headcoach Woody Lombardi, whose Bulllets have winning record of 112-0 over the Mudcat Falls Gourds.

MFCC Chancellor Wiley Latrans promised his administration would take CLAP’s petition under advisement.

All the Fits as News to Print

Serving Mudcat Falls Since 1854

www.mudcatfalls.com

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CDR: Twitourette Syndrome

July 5, 2019 1 comment

Twitourette Syndrome is a common neurosocial disorder with onset in adolescence, characterized by multiple social media tics. These tics characteristically wax and wane, can be suppressed temporarily, and are typically preceded by an unwanted urge or sensation. Some common tics are tweets, Facebook posts, Instagram pics, blog posts, YouTube videos, and memes.

Twitourette’s is defined as part of a spectrum of social media disorders, which includes political, cultural, and ethnic (racial) tics. Tics are often unnoticed by casual social media users and are typically diagnosed by alert social justice warriors and trigger-sensitive snowflakes. While the exact cause is unknown, it is believed to involve a combination of ideological and emotional imbalance factors.

In most cases, medication for Twitourette Syndrome is not necessary, but often recommended. Re-education, public shaming, deplatforming, boycotting, censorship, and banishment into the cyberspace equivalent of leper colonies are the most common treatments, particularly for sufferers deemed “politically incorrect.”

U.S. President Donald Trump is often cited as the most famous person exhibiting Twitourette Syndrome. He has yet to seek professional help for his condition.

Group Seeks Ban On Drive-Thru And Carry Out Meals

June 28, 2019 Leave a comment

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MUDCAT FALLS — Last night’s city council meeting turned contentious as a group called Clean Living Americans Against Polymers petitioned the government to ban all drive-through fast food restaurants and To-Go menu options within city limits.

“We must break the tyranny of the petrochemical patriarchy by freeing ourselves and, ultimately, the world from the scourge of not only plastics, but all fossil fuel pollution,” said nine-year-old Milo Muir, who founded CLAAP in his suburban Riverview bedroom.

The proposed legislation was inspired by the “Be Straw Free” movement which has successfully outlawed plastic straws in cities across the nation.

“Our little Milo is a Dickens, but he does so love the environment,” said his mother, Marjorie Muir, who is CLAAP’s Vice President for Sustainability. “He is just adamant about making sure life on Earth survives so he can live to see his twenty-first birthday.”

The ban was opposed by all the usual suspects, including evil and heartless Republicans who want to rape Mother Earth, capitalist “Big Burger” fast food corporations interested only in profits, Trump Deplorables too lazy to cook, and Chinese restaurant proprietors.

“These wackos are attacking our great American way of life,” claimed Percy Wilcox of the Carry-out Lovers Against Persecution lobbying group. “Drive-ins and drive-thrus are uniquely and exceptionally American institutions that we should be proud to have exported around the world, but I guess cultural diversity is a one-way street.”

CLAP successfully thwarted CLAAP’s previous proposal to ban plastic straws in Mudcat Falls by using junk science statistical scare tactics warning of an apocalyptic rise in traffic deaths caused by increased incidents of Slurpee and Big Gulp lap spills while driving, claiming it to be an Armageddon akin only to texting while driving.

City Council President H.L. Kingfish referred young Milo’s initiative to committee.

All the Fits as News to Print

Serving Mudcat Falls Since 1854

www.mudcatfalls.com

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Lucifer’s Lexicon — Selfie

June 21, 2019 1 comment

Selfie — Narcissism measured in megapixels

Death by Selfie: 11 Disturbing Stories of Social Media Pics Gone Wrong

Categories: Lucifer's Lexicon

The Loved One Online

June 14, 2019 Leave a comment

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MENLO PARK — A Silicon Valley start-up is promising to solve Facebook’s “living dead” problem.

“It is estimated that nearly 30 million users of the social media giant have gone tits up and 8,000 more die every day,” said Harry Glenworthy, founder of Cyber Souls, a digital mortuary service.

A consensus of experts warns that by mid-century the deceased will outnumber the living on Facebook—if global warming hasn’t eradicated mankind from the planet by then.

2nd First Look: The Loved One“All these stiffs weigh heavily on Zuckerberg’s bottom line profitability,” explained Glenworthy, “Dead people may be able to vote, but they tend not to click on Facebook ads.”

Cyber Souls offers traditional funeral-type services, including cremation of social media accounts, embalming of online posts and selfies, and interment in Whispering Glades, the company’s Internet cemetery.

“The great thing is that we’ll never run out of real estate to plant these guys,” noted Glenworthy.

The company is planning an IPO in the near future.

All the Fits as News to Print

Serving Mudcat Falls Since 1854

www.mudcatfalls.com

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CDR: Gendiarrhea

June 7, 2019 Leave a comment

Gendiarrhea is the condition of excess gender fluidity exhibited by having three or more sexual identification choices offered on a form used to gather personal information. It often persists in social media and government bureaucracies and can result in dehydration of common sense. Signs of dehydration often begin with loss of rationality and irritable behaviour. This can progress to decreased procreation, entropy of ethical norms, mental rigor mortis, and a decrease in social responsiveness as it becomes more severe.

The most common cause is an infection of the educational bowels due to either an ideological virus, political bacteria, or social sciences parasites—a condition also known as universitorienteritis. These infections are often acquired from textbooks or lectures that have been contaminated by feces, or directly from another person who is infected.

See also:  Angeurysm, Demphysema, Revovirus

Big Push for New Local Drug Jobs

May 31, 2019 Leave a comment

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MUDCAT FALLS — Big River Pharmaceutical has announced a major expansion of the Research and Development team at their Gila Bend facility.

In addition to the usual scientists and chemists, the company is establishing the first-of-its-kind Center for Latin Apposition for Pharmaceuticals.

“CLAP is a center of excellence for the naming of new drugs, explained company spokesperson, Hannah Semordnilap. “With so many new products being developed and marketed, it has become increasingly difficult to come up with scientific-sounding names which can clear a trademark search.”

Big River Pharmaceuticals will be staffing the Center with dyslexia suffers to greatly accelerate the process of devising new drug names like Tadalafil (Cialis), Adalimumab (Humira) and Aripiprazole (Abilify).

In another innovative move, the company is scouring the bottom of Amazon Kindle best seller lists to hire authors whose books are ranked 2,000,000 or higher.

“We need these types of writers to help compose our packaging copy,” said Semordnilap. “You don’t think we actually want people to read our side effect warnings, do you?”

Writers should send their resumes to HumanResources@HookedOnBigRiverDrugs.com. Dyslexics should apply in person.

All the Fits as News to Print

Serving Mudcat Falls Since 1854

www.mudcatfalls.com

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