Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

CDR: Conservo-Rectal Cancer

October 11, 2019 Leave a comment

A debilitating disease of the will caused by the metastasis of cancer cells from the rectum to the brain from having one’s head stuck up the ass. Victims die a long lingering death, sometimes in office, but most often in the political hospice known as punditry. Upon death, they are buried with their principles in tact.

See also GOPesophageal Reflux Disease, RINOplasty, Spina Polibifida

Lucifer’s Lexicon — Indian

September 27, 2019 Leave a comment

Indian — A pre-America American whose soul is stolen, not by photography equipment, but by sports teams

Categories: Lucifer's Lexicon

Monsanto Rumors Rock the Beltway

September 13, 2019 Leave a comment

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BIRD-IN-HAND, PA — The seismic tremors sweeping the Washington DC beltway are off the Richter Scale at recent leaks from a top secret Monsanto laboratory in the heart of Pennsylvania Amish country that the company has succeeded in developing a genetically modified politician.

No clear consensus has yet emerged from the chattering gaggle of cable news pundits struggling to come to terms with the implications of what GMPs might mean for Democrats, Republicans, lobbyists and the Mainstream Media.

“They’re cloning Trump in Lancaster County!” cried MSNBC’s Rachel Madow apocalyptically. “Our democracy simply cannot survive an army of Orangemen created by evil big business! It’s Armageddon for us all if the government does not stop this madness! We need a Special Prosecutor appointed—now!”

Besides PCBs and DDT, in the 1960s, Monsanto became one of the few companies to produce the biochemical weapon Agent Orange.

Alarmed whispers up and down K Street and in the green rooms of TV news studios reveal deep anxiety over Monsanto making a biological mockery of the separation of church and state.

“You have to ask yourself, Why Lancaster County?” fretted a unnamed Congressional lobbyist who fears for the future of his industry. “Unless they are creating hybrids using Amish seed stock. Politicians with ethics and scruples? It is a death sentence for us.”

Anonymous sources at CNN say the company is holding closed door strategy sessions to gauge the impact on 2020 Presidential election coverage.

“Can you imagine a political campaign with no scandals? No human weaknesses or foibles to expose?” asked Jake Tapper, Chief Washington Correspondent for CNN. “I don’t think the Amish even watch cable news.”

The Amish are a group of traditionalist Christian church fellowships with Swiss German Anabaptist origins. They are closely related to, but distinct from, Mennonite churches. The Amish are known for simple living, plain dress, and reluctance to adopt many conveniences of modern technology.

President Trump tweeted, “Go GMO all the way. No other country—not China, not Europe, not Russia—can match American ingenuity and know-how when it comes to innovation. Thanks for helping to MAGA!”

House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi has vowed to launch Congressional investigations into whether the Trump administration is colluding with the agrochemical industry to rig the elections via the food chain.

“But what about We the People? Isn’t it good for us? And for our country?” asked a self-proclaimed local deplorable and member of the radical alt-right group Clean Living Among Politicians, who requested that his name be withheld but has been identified as Irv Whiteman of 1600 Mockingbird Lane in Mudcat Falls. “Maybe those scientists could also work on a political version of Round-Up.”

Monsanto was acquired by Bayer in 2018.

All the Fits as News to Print

Serving Mudcat Falls Since 1854


CDR: Universitorienteritis

August 16, 2019 Leave a comment

Universitorienteritis is the inflammation of small minds within an academic environment.  It is most commonly caused by undercooked food for thought contaminated with ideologenic microbes such as Bacillus Marxis, Diversitatia, Equalinella, Genderidium, Justica Socious, and Revovirus. Symptoms include delirium, emotional cramping, mental dehydration, and mob fever. Treatment with measured doses of reality is the most common and effective cure.

See also, AngeurysmEconoenteritis, Revovirus

CDR: Gendiarrhea

July 19, 2019 Leave a comment

Gendiarrhea is the condition of excess gender fluidity exhibited by having three or more sexual identification choices offered on a form used to gather personal information. It often persists in social media and government bureaucracies and can result in dehydration of common sense.  Signs of dehydration often begin with loss of rationality and irritable behaviour. This can progress to decreased procreation, entropy of ethical norms, mental rigor mortis, and a decrease in social responsiveness as it becomes more severe.

The most common cause is an infection of the educational bowels due to either an ideological virus, political bacteria, or social sciences parasites—a condition also known as universitorienteritis. These infections are often acquired from textbooks or lectures that have been contaminated by feces, or directly from another person who is infected.

See also, Angeurysm, Demphysema, Necrotizing Polititis, Revovirus

Hey Hey, Ho Ho, Darwinism Has To Go

July 12, 2019 Leave a comment

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MUDCAT FALLS — A student group calling itself the Comintern of Liberals Against the Patriarchy gathered outside the Mudcat Falls Community College Biology Department demanding that the sciences be freed from domination by white European males.

“The evolutionary playing field needs to be leveled,” exclaimed CLAP Secretary General Rachel Sanger through a bullhorn to the crowd of nearly a dozen protesters. “I stand here today to draw the line in the dustbin of history and toss the gauntlet before the feet of tyranny…equality today…equality tomorrow…equality forever.”

The students presented a petition signed by a consensus of Social Scientists, Women’s Studies Professors, and Planned Parenthood professionals calling upon the Administration to cleanse the Science Department syllabi from all references to Darwin’s Theory of Evolution on the basis that competence is an unfair measure for sustainability and merely a dog whistle to Trump Deplorables to justify the class-based discrimination of fascist billionaires.

The petition also called for the Louis Pasteur Biology building to be renamed Lysenko Hall.

“Can there be any clearer symbol of White Privilege,” said Sanger, “than naming a building after the man infamous for making milk pure?”

White privilege (or white skin privilege) is the societal privilege that in some countries benefits white people over non-white people, particularly if they are otherwise under the same social, political, or economic circumstances. Academic perspectives such as critical race theory and whiteness studies use the concept to analyze how racism and racialized societies affect the lives of white or white-skinned people.

“Based on the performance of their sports teams, I can understand their hard-on for competence,” said Pistol Creek University football headcoach Woody Lombardi, whose Bulllets have winning record of 112-0 over the Mudcat Falls Gourds.

MFCC Chancellor Wiley Latrans promised his administration would take CLAP’s petition under advisement.

All the Fits as News to Print

Serving Mudcat Falls Since 1854


CDR: Twitourette Syndrome

July 5, 2019 1 comment

Twitourette Syndrome is a common neurosocial disorder with onset in adolescence, characterized by multiple social media tics. These tics characteristically wax and wane, can be suppressed temporarily, and are typically preceded by an unwanted urge or sensation. Some common tics are tweets, Facebook posts, Instagram pics, blog posts, YouTube videos, and memes.

Twitourette’s is defined as part of a spectrum of social media disorders, which includes political, cultural, and ethnic (racial) tics. Tics are often unnoticed by casual social media users and are typically diagnosed by alert social justice warriors and trigger-sensitive snowflakes. While the exact cause is unknown, it is believed to involve a combination of ideological and emotional imbalance factors.

In most cases, medication for Twitourette Syndrome is not necessary, but often recommended. Re-education, public shaming, deplatforming, boycotting, censorship, and banishment into the cyberspace equivalent of leper colonies are the most common treatments, particularly for sufferers deemed “politically incorrect.”

U.S. President Donald Trump is often cited as the most famous person exhibiting Twitourette Syndrome. He has yet to seek professional help for his condition.

Group Seeks Ban On Drive-Thru And Carry Out Meals

June 28, 2019 Leave a comment

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MUDCAT FALLS — Last night’s city council meeting turned contentious as a group called Clean Living Americans Against Polymers petitioned the government to ban all drive-through fast food restaurants and To-Go menu options within city limits.

“We must break the tyranny of the petrochemical patriarchy by freeing ourselves and, ultimately, the world from the scourge of not only plastics, but all fossil fuel pollution,” said nine-year-old Milo Muir, who founded CLAAP in his suburban Riverview bedroom.

The proposed legislation was inspired by the “Be Straw Free” movement which has successfully outlawed plastic straws in cities across the nation.

“Our little Milo is a Dickens, but he does so love the environment,” said his mother, Marjorie Muir, who is CLAAP’s Vice President for Sustainability. “He is just adamant about making sure life on Earth survives so he can live to see his twenty-first birthday.”

The ban was opposed by all the usual suspects, including evil and heartless Republicans who want to rape Mother Earth, capitalist “Big Burger” fast food corporations interested only in profits, Trump Deplorables too lazy to cook, and Chinese restaurant proprietors.

“These wackos are attacking our great American way of life,” claimed Percy Wilcox of the Carry-out Lovers Against Persecution lobbying group. “Drive-ins and drive-thrus are uniquely and exceptionally American institutions that we should be proud to have exported around the world, but I guess cultural diversity is a one-way street.”

CLAP successfully thwarted CLAAP’s previous proposal to ban plastic straws in Mudcat Falls by using junk science statistical scare tactics warning of an apocalyptic rise in traffic deaths caused by increased incidents of Slurpee and Big Gulp lap spills while driving, claiming it to be an Armageddon akin only to texting while driving.

City Council President H.L. Kingfish referred young Milo’s initiative to committee.

All the Fits as News to Print

Serving Mudcat Falls Since 1854


Lucifer’s Lexicon — Selfie

June 21, 2019 1 comment

Selfie — Narcissism measured in megapixels

Death by Selfie: 11 Disturbing Stories of Social Media Pics Gone Wrong

Categories: Lucifer's Lexicon

The Loved One Online

June 14, 2019 Leave a comment

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MENLO PARK — A Silicon Valley start-up is promising to solve Facebook’s “living dead” problem.

“It is estimated that nearly 30 million users of the social media giant have gone tits up and 8,000 more die every day,” said Harry Glenworthy, founder of Cyber Souls, a digital mortuary service.

A consensus of experts warns that by mid-century the deceased will outnumber the living on Facebook—if global warming hasn’t eradicated mankind from the planet by then.

2nd First Look: The Loved One“All these stiffs weigh heavily on Zuckerberg’s bottom line profitability,” explained Glenworthy, “Dead people may be able to vote, but they tend not to click on Facebook ads.”

Cyber Souls offers traditional funeral-type services, including cremation of social media accounts, embalming of online posts and selfies, and interment in Whispering Glades, the company’s Internet cemetery.

“The great thing is that we’ll never run out of real estate to plant these guys,” noted Glenworthy.

The company is planning an IPO in the near future.

All the Fits as News to Print

Serving Mudcat Falls Since 1854


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