Local Man Charged with Crimes Against Humanity

MUDCAT FALLS — In the first of its kind legal case, a local man has been charged with crimes against humanity for disabling safety devices and failing to follow product warning labels.

“Of course, we are serious,” said Calabash County Prosecutor Drew Phillips at a press conference. “The willful disregard for government-mandated safety is every bit as serious a threat to life as we know it on this planet as the use of fossil fuels, plastic drinking straws and InfoWars.com. You don’t think Congress is down there in Washington DC legislating for the hell of it, do you?”

Paul Rush is alleged to have transferred his medications to regular non-locking screw-top jars, applied lawn fertilizer without fully following label instructions, disabled the kill switch on his lawnmower, eaten undercooked meat, disconnected the seatbelt warning bell in his car, and chronically washed his hands for less than two full choruses of “Happy Birthday” after using public restrooms.

“If my client wasn’t a libertarian before, he sure is now,” said attorney Steve Dallas, who is defending Rush, “There should be a warning label on government that reads ‘keep out of the reach of idiots,’ for crying out loud.”

Authorities were alerted to Rush’s crime spree by his neighbor, a Democrat Precinct Captain, who was offended by his red baseball cap.

“It’s all a yuge misunderstanding,” said Dallas. “He’s a St. Louis Cardinals fan.”

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Psorielectorisis

Psorielectorisis is a long-lasting autodemocratic disease characterized by patches of abnormal voters. These political patches are typically red, dry, itchy, and extremely irritable, causing general personal and organizational dysfunction.

Psorielectorisis varies in severity from small, localized bureaucratic patches to complete body politic coverage. Perceived psychiatric injury and imagined social injustices can especially trigger psorielectorisis mob changes in public spaces. Extreme cases are known as the Trump phenomenon.

See also, Necrotizing Polititis, Politanomaly Trichromacy, Revovirus

A Crack In Feminist Groups

MUDCAT FALLS — A radical splinter group for women’s rights is ruffling politically correct feathers by calling for separate but equal sporting events based on biological determinates.

“We call ourselves ‘trans-feminists’ because we’re fighting against the biological imperialism of testosterone-fueled patriarchies,” explained Harmony Dilwaggle, founder and Chairperson of the group, Cis Ladies for Athletic Purity.

“Using the term ‘gender’ to allow men to dominate genetically produced women in sporting events is simply lexical terrorism to facilitate the continuation of outdated cultural norms.”

CLAP was founded by several members of the Mudcat Falls Community College Women’s Volleyball team after losing their starting positions to former men’s varsity basketball players who self-identify as women.

“They may call themselves Sally and Alice and Gail,” Dilwaggle said, “but ever since they joined the team you can cut the pheromones in that locker room with a knife.”

CLAP has been banned from the MFCC campus, but continues to protest at away games.

“These alt-right misfits are simply not women in the true spirit of our movement,” said Hillary Hickums of the local Calabash County chapter of the National Organization of Women. “Third Wave Feminism means embracing our ‘sisters of another sex’ for who and what they are.”

School administrators refused to comment, except to cite recent Title IX guidelines from the U.S. Department of Education.

“Our team might not fill out their bikinis like the other girls on the beach any more,” said MFCC Coach Vince Liberotto, “but we have more height and power in every zone on the court than any other team in the conference.”

Since the roster change, the Fighting Gourds women’s volleyball team has gone undefeated in the Big River Athletic conference.

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Serving Mudcat Falls Since 1854

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CDR: Polititosis

Polititosis is a malodorous personality disorder found predominantly in persons who passionately purport to “serve the public,” especially in and about capitol buildings and government executive offices. In about 90% of genuine polititosis cases, the origin of the odor is in the mouth, typically manifesting itself in foul pronouncements regarding public policy, political opponents and the relative intelligence of the unsupportive segments of the electorate. Other factors may also contribute to the overall stink, including an abscessed conscience, unclean financial accounts, cognitive decay, and lesions on the soul.

The intensity of polititosis may vary depending upon the election cycle, typically intensifying just prior to the casting of ballots. The condition is thought to be aggravated by the hypoxia resulting from the rarified air found at the peak of the pedestals upon which sufferers place themselves.

The disease is propagated largely via Mainstream Media. There is no known cure and the condition has been known to persist into retirement and, in many cases, even beyond death.

See also:  Irritable Bureaucrat Syndrome, Necrotizing Polititis, E. poli

Environmentalists Cool on the Lord’s Help for Global Warming

SAN FRANCISCO — A consensus of scientists and climate change activists have banded together to file a law suit against a Christian-based environmental group for co-opting their issue.

“There’s really no need to bring religion into this matter,” explained Sierra Goremundi, self-described Alpha Bitch of the local chapter of the Climate Liberation Action Politburo. “God and global warming just don’t mix. We can take care of the world just fine on our own.”

CLAP is suing another 501(c)3 group calling itself Conserving the Lord Almighty’s Planet for trademark and copyright infringement as well as theft of intellectual property. They have asked the Federal Ninth Circuit Court to issue an emergency injunction order to prevent the religious group from participating in this year’s Earth Day celebration.

“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth,” preached the Reverend Dr. Jackson Selma Montgomery, Jr., minister at the Southside Baptist Church, second generation local civil rights leader and founder of God-CLAP. “I’d say he’s involved.”

Montgomery began organizing prayer vigils and sermonizing during Earth Day celebrations, calling upon his god to heal the planet, which has caused Green-CLAP members understandable discomfort, since they tend to worship Gaia, the ancestral Mother Earth Goddess of all life, if any deity at all.

“Look, us liberals tolerate these people and give them their Sundays,” said Goremundi. “But April 22 is our day and maybe the planet would be better off without all their hot air.”

Earth Day is an annual worldwide event held on April 22 to demonstrate support for environmental protection. First celebrated in 1970, Earth Day now includes events in more than 193 countries, which are now coordinated globally by the Earth Day Network.

Local authorities are preparing for possible unrest at this year’s festival to be held in Poodle Island State Park.

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Serving Mudcat Falls Since 1854

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Undocumented Actors Sue Screen Actors Guild

HOLLYWOOD — Members of the migrant caravan who marched thousands of miles from Central America through Mexico to the U.S. Border at Tijuana, have filed a law suit against the Screen Actors Guild and the American Federation of Television and Radio Artists for discrimination.

“We are willing to play the roles and do the stunts that American actors will not do,” said Monte Ricardobaum from Honduras. “We have come here to seek a better life for our families and now the Oscar people want to keep us out, just like Trump.”

Ricardobaum and others applied for membership in SAG-AFTRA, citing their performances on Mainstream Media television news outlets and submitting paystubs from the Congress of Latin American Progressives, a George Soros funded organization, which financed and produced the epic saga of their journey to freedom.

“Unfortunately, these people violated Global Rule One, which is never work on a non-SAG project. And this CLAP thing was definitely a non-union deal,” said Clinton Svinktaogle, SAG-AFTRA legal counsel. “If you don’t follow the rules, you don’t get in. It’s as simple as that.”

SAG-AFTRA represents approximately 160,000 actors, announcers, broadcast journalists, dancers, DJs, news writers, news editors, program hosts, puppeteers, recording artists, singers, stunt performers, voiceover artists and other media professionals. Their members are the faces and voices that entertain and inform America and the world.

Julianne Moore has been nominated five times for an Academy Award and won the Oscar for “Best Actress” in 2015 for her performance in Still Alice.

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A Shocking New Source of Green Energy

WASHINGTON DC — The Green New Deal proposed by Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez includes funding for a “moon-shot” scientific effort to harness a radically new source of clean energy.

“The shock caused by static electricity reveals, like, how you can have more power at your fingertips than you ever imagined,” explained Ocasio-Cortez recently at SXSW. “And, like, best of all, this new source of energy is there even if the wind isn’t blowing or the sun isn’t shining.”

Static electricity builds when electrons leap between two objects that have opposing electrical charges. A stunning handshake occurs when one person has a negative charge, and the other doesn’t.

“As you walk across the floor, you become full of electrons,” said Professor William Kemmler, from the Electromagnetic Compatibility Laboratory at Auburn University. “Eventually more electrons don’t want to come up on you because you’re so charged up. You end up with a high voltage, about 20,000 to 25,000 volts.”

The New Green Deal earmarks $500 billion dollars for infrastructure spending to develop wool-based clothing which is cool enough to wear in the steadily rising temperatures scientists all agree is caused by global warming and offers companies generous tax breaks for replacing tile and hardwood floors with carpeting.

“Twenty thousand volts is, like, a lot, especially when you think that, like, a whole house runs on just one hundred and twenty-volts,” said Ocasio-Cortez. “And with three hundred million people in the United States all wearing sweaters, we would never need another drop of oil to run this country.”

In typically hateful and greedy racist Republican fashion, President Trump tweeted that the idea was “shockingly stupid.”

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