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Monsanto Rumors Rock the Beltway

September 13, 2019 Leave a comment

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BIRD-IN-HAND, PA — The seismic tremors sweeping the Washington DC beltway are off the Richter Scale at recent leaks from a top secret Monsanto laboratory in the heart of Pennsylvania Amish country that the company has succeeded in developing a genetically modified politician.

No clear consensus has yet emerged from the chattering gaggle of cable news pundits struggling to come to terms with the implications of what GMPs might mean for Democrats, Republicans, lobbyists and the Mainstream Media.

“They’re cloning Trump in Lancaster County!” cried MSNBC’s Rachel Madow apocalyptically. “Our democracy simply cannot survive an army of Orangemen created by evil big business! It’s Armageddon for us all if the government does not stop this madness! We need a Special Prosecutor appointed—now!”

Besides PCBs and DDT, in the 1960s, Monsanto became one of the few companies to produce the biochemical weapon Agent Orange.

Alarmed whispers up and down K Street and in the green rooms of TV news studios reveal deep anxiety over Monsanto making a biological mockery of the separation of church and state.

“You have to ask yourself, Why Lancaster County?” fretted a unnamed Congressional lobbyist who fears for the future of his industry. “Unless they are creating hybrids using Amish seed stock. Politicians with ethics and scruples? It is a death sentence for us.”

Anonymous sources at CNN say the company is holding closed door strategy sessions to gauge the impact on 2020 Presidential election coverage.

“Can you imagine a political campaign with no scandals? No human weaknesses or foibles to expose?” asked Jake Tapper, Chief Washington Correspondent for CNN. “I don’t think the Amish even watch cable news.”

The Amish are a group of traditionalist Christian church fellowships with Swiss German Anabaptist origins. They are closely related to, but distinct from, Mennonite churches. The Amish are known for simple living, plain dress, and reluctance to adopt many conveniences of modern technology.

President Trump tweeted, “Go GMO all the way. No other country—not China, not Europe, not Russia—can match American ingenuity and know-how when it comes to innovation. Thanks for helping to MAGA!”

House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi has vowed to launch Congressional investigations into whether the Trump administration is colluding with the agrochemical industry to rig the elections via the food chain.

“But what about We the People? Isn’t it good for us? And for our country?” asked a self-proclaimed local deplorable and member of the radical alt-right group Clean Living Among Politicians, who requested that his name be withheld but has been identified as Irv Whiteman of 1600 Mockingbird Lane in Mudcat Falls. “Maybe those scientists could also work on a political version of Round-Up.”

Monsanto was acquired by Bayer in 2018.

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Hey Hey, Ho Ho, Darwinism Has To Go

July 12, 2019 Leave a comment

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MUDCAT FALLS — A student group calling itself the Comintern of Liberals Against the Patriarchy gathered outside the Mudcat Falls Community College Biology Department demanding that the sciences be freed from domination by white European males.

“The evolutionary playing field needs to be leveled,” exclaimed CLAP Secretary General Rachel Sanger through a bullhorn to the crowd of nearly a dozen protesters. “I stand here today to draw the line in the dustbin of history and toss the gauntlet before the feet of tyranny…equality today…equality tomorrow…equality forever.”

The students presented a petition signed by a consensus of Social Scientists, Women’s Studies Professors, and Planned Parenthood professionals calling upon the Administration to cleanse the Science Department syllabi from all references to Darwin’s Theory of Evolution on the basis that competence is an unfair measure for sustainability and merely a dog whistle to Trump Deplorables to justify the class-based discrimination of fascist billionaires.

The petition also called for the Louis Pasteur Biology building to be renamed Lysenko Hall.

“Can there be any clearer symbol of White Privilege,” said Sanger, “than naming a building after the man infamous for making milk pure?”

White privilege (or white skin privilege) is the societal privilege that in some countries benefits white people over non-white people, particularly if they are otherwise under the same social, political, or economic circumstances. Academic perspectives such as critical race theory and whiteness studies use the concept to analyze how racism and racialized societies affect the lives of white or white-skinned people.

“Based on the performance of their sports teams, I can understand their hard-on for competence,” said Pistol Creek University football headcoach Woody Lombardi, whose Bulllets have winning record of 112-0 over the Mudcat Falls Gourds.

MFCC Chancellor Wiley Latrans promised his administration would take CLAP’s petition under advisement.

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Group Seeks Ban On Drive-Thru And Carry Out Meals

June 28, 2019 Leave a comment

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MUDCAT FALLS — Last night’s city council meeting turned contentious as a group called Clean Living Americans Against Polymers petitioned the government to ban all drive-through fast food restaurants and To-Go menu options within city limits.

“We must break the tyranny of the petrochemical patriarchy by freeing ourselves and, ultimately, the world from the scourge of not only plastics, but all fossil fuel pollution,” said nine-year-old Milo Muir, who founded CLAAP in his suburban Riverview bedroom.

The proposed legislation was inspired by the “Be Straw Free” movement which has successfully outlawed plastic straws in cities across the nation.

“Our little Milo is a Dickens, but he does so love the environment,” said his mother, Marjorie Muir, who is CLAAP’s Vice President for Sustainability. “He is just adamant about making sure life on Earth survives so he can live to see his twenty-first birthday.”

The ban was opposed by all the usual suspects, including evil and heartless Republicans who want to rape Mother Earth, capitalist “Big Burger” fast food corporations interested only in profits, Trump Deplorables too lazy to cook, and Chinese restaurant proprietors.

“These wackos are attacking our great American way of life,” claimed Percy Wilcox of the Carry-out Lovers Against Persecution lobbying group. “Drive-ins and drive-thrus are uniquely and exceptionally American institutions that we should be proud to have exported around the world, but I guess cultural diversity is a one-way street.”

CLAP successfully thwarted CLAAP’s previous proposal to ban plastic straws in Mudcat Falls by using junk science statistical scare tactics warning of an apocalyptic rise in traffic deaths caused by increased incidents of Slurpee and Big Gulp lap spills while driving, claiming it to be an Armageddon akin only to texting while driving.

City Council President H.L. Kingfish referred young Milo’s initiative to committee.

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The Loved One Online

June 14, 2019 Leave a comment

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MENLO PARK — A Silicon Valley start-up is promising to solve Facebook’s “living dead” problem.

“It is estimated that nearly 30 million users of the social media giant have gone tits up and 8,000 more die every day,” said Harry Glenworthy, founder of Cyber Souls, a digital mortuary service.

A consensus of experts warns that by mid-century the deceased will outnumber the living on Facebook—if global warming hasn’t eradicated mankind from the planet by then.

2nd First Look: The Loved One“All these stiffs weigh heavily on Zuckerberg’s bottom line profitability,” explained Glenworthy, “Dead people may be able to vote, but they tend not to click on Facebook ads.”

Cyber Souls offers traditional funeral-type services, including cremation of social media accounts, embalming of online posts and selfies, and interment in Whispering Glades, the company’s Internet cemetery.

“The great thing is that we’ll never run out of real estate to plant these guys,” noted Glenworthy.

The company is planning an IPO in the near future.

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Big Push for New Local Drug Jobs

May 31, 2019 Leave a comment

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MUDCAT FALLS — Big River Pharmaceutical has announced a major expansion of the Research and Development team at their Gila Bend facility.

In addition to the usual scientists and chemists, the company is establishing the first-of-its-kind Center for Latin Apposition for Pharmaceuticals.

“CLAP is a center of excellence for the naming of new drugs, explained company spokesperson, Hannah Semordnilap. “With so many new products being developed and marketed, it has become increasingly difficult to come up with scientific-sounding names which can clear a trademark search.”

Big River Pharmaceuticals will be staffing the Center with dyslexia suffers to greatly accelerate the process of devising new drug names like Tadalafil (Cialis), Adalimumab (Humira) and Aripiprazole (Abilify).

In another innovative move, the company is scouring the bottom of Amazon Kindle best seller lists to hire authors whose books are ranked 2,000,000 or higher.

“We need these types of writers to help compose our packaging copy,” said Semordnilap. “You don’t think we actually want people to read our side effect warnings, do you?”

Writers should send their resumes to HumanResources@HookedOnBigRiverDrugs.com. Dyslexics should apply in person.

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Local Man Charged with Crimes Against Humanity

May 17, 2019 Leave a comment

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MUDCAT FALLS — In the first of its kind legal case, a local man has been charged with crimes against humanity for disabling safety devices and failing to follow product warning labels.

“Of course, we are serious,” said Calabash County Prosecutor Drew Phillips at a press conference. “The willful disregard for government-mandated safety is every bit as serious a threat to life as we know it on this planet as the use of fossil fuels, plastic drinking straws and InfoWars.com. You don’t See the source imagethink Congress is down there in Washington DC legislating for the hell of it, do you?”

Paul Rush is alleged to have transferred his medications to regular non-locking screw-top jars, applied lawn fertilizer without fully following label instructions, disabled the kill switch on his lawnmower, eaten undercooked meat, disconnected the seatbelt warning bell in his car, and chronically washed his hands for less than two full choruses of “Happy Birthday” after using public restrooms.

“If my client wasn’t a libertarian before, he sure is now,” said attorney Steve Dallas, who is defending Rush, “There should be a warning label on government that reads ‘keep out of the reach of idiots,’ for crying out loud.”

Authorities were alerted to Rush’s crime spree by his neighbor, a Democrat Precinct Captain, who was offended by his red baseball cap.

“It’s all a yuge misunderstanding,” said Dallas. “He’s a St. Louis Cardinals fan.”

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A Crack In Feminist Groups

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MUDCAT FALLS — A radical splinter group for women’s rights is ruffling politically correct feathers by calling for separate but equal sporting events based on biological determinates.

“We call ourselves ‘trans-feminists’ because we’re fighting against the biological imperialism of testosterone-fueled patriarchies,” explained Harmony Dilwaggle, founder and Chairperson of the group, Cis Ladies for Athletic Purity.

“Using the term ‘gender’ to allow men to dominate genetically produced women in sporting events is simply lexical terrorism to facilitate the continuation of outdated cultural norms.”

CLAP was founded by several members of the Mudcat Falls Community College Women’s Volleyball team after losing their starting positions to former men’s varsity basketball players who self-identify as women.

“They may call themselves Sally and Alice and Gail,” Dilwaggle said, “but ever since they joined the team you can cut the pheromones in that locker room with a knife.”

CLAP has been banned from the MFCC campus, but continues to protest at away games.

“These alt-right misfits are simply not women in the true spirit of our movement,” said Hillary Hickums of the local Calabash County chapter of the National Organization of Women. “Third Wave Feminism means embracing our ‘sisters of another sex’ for who and what they are.”

School administrators refused to comment, except to cite recent Title IX guidelines from the U.S. Department of Education.

“Our team might not fill out their bikinis like the other girls on the beach any more,” said MFCC Coach Vince Liberotto, “but we have more height and power in every zone on the court than any other team in the conference.”

Since the roster change, the Fighting Gourds women’s volleyball team has gone undefeated in the Big River Athletic conference.

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Environmentalists Cool on the Lord’s Help for Global Warming

April 19, 2019 Leave a comment

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SAN FRANCISCO — A consensus of scientists and climate change activists have banded together to file a law suit against a Christian-based environmental group for co-opting their issue.

“There’s really no need to bring religion into this matter,” explained Sierra Goremundi, self-described Alpha Bitch of the local chapter of the Climate Liberation Action Politburo. “God and global warming just don’t mix. We can take care of the world just fine on our own.”

CLAP is suing another 501(c)3 group calling itself Conserving the Lord Almighty’s Planet for trademark and copyright infringement as well as theft of intellectual property. They have asked the Federal Ninth Circuit Court to issue an emergency injunction order to prevent the religious group from participating in this year’s Earth Day celebration.

“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth,” preached the Reverend Dr. Jackson Selma Montgomery, Jr., minister at the Southside Baptist Church, second generation local civil rights leader and founder of God-CLAP. “I’d say he’s involved.”

Montgomery began organizing prayer vigils and sermonizing during Earth Day celebrations, calling upon his god to heal the planet, which has caused Green-CLAP members understandable discomfort, since they tend to worship Gaia, the ancestral Mother Earth Goddess of all life, if any deity at all.

“Look, us liberals tolerate these people and give them their Sundays,” said Goremundi. “But April 22 is our day and maybe the planet would be better off without all their hot air.”

Earth Day is an annual worldwide event held on April 22 to demonstrate support for environmental protection. First celebrated in 1970, Earth Day now includes events in more than 193 countries, which are now coordinated globally by the Earth Day Network.

Local authorities are preparing for possible unrest at this year’s festival to be held in Poodle Island State Park.

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Undocumented Actors Sue Screen Actors Guild

April 5, 2019 Leave a comment

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HOLLYWOOD — Members of the migrant caravan who marched thousands of miles from Central America through Mexico to the U.S. Border at Tijuana, have filed a law suit against the Screen Actors Guild and the American Federation of Television and Radio Artists for discrimination.

“We are willing to play the roles and do the stunts that American actors will not do,” said Monte Ricardobaum from Honduras. “We have come here to seek a better life for our families and now the Oscar people want to keep us out, just like Trump.”

Ricardobaum and others applied for membership in SAG-AFTRA, citing their performances on Mainstream Media television news outlets and submitting paystubs from the Congress of Latin American Progressives, a George Soros funded organization, which financed and produced the epic saga of their journey to freedom.

Image result for julianne moore“Unfortunately, these people violated Global Rule One, which is never work on a non-SAG project. And this CLAP thing was definitely a non-union deal,” said Clinton Svinktaogle, SAG-AFTRA legal counsel. “If you don’t follow the rules, you don’t get in. It’s as simple as that.”

SAG-AFTRA represents approximately 160,000 actors, announcers, broadcast journalists, dancers, DJs, news writers, news editors, program hosts, puppeteers, recording artists, singers, stunt performers, voiceover artists and other media professionals. Their members are the faces and voices that entertain and inform America and the world.

Julianne Moore has been nominated five times for an Academy Award and won the Oscar for “Best Actress” in 2015 for her performance in Still Alice.

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A Shocking New Source of Green Energy

March 22, 2019 Leave a comment

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WASHINGTON DC — The Green New Deal proposed by Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez includes funding for a “moon-shot” scientific effort to harness a radically new source of clean energy.

“The shock caused by static electricity reveals, like, how you can have more power at your fingertips than you ever imagined,” explained Ocasio-Cortez recently at SXSW. “And, like, best of all, this new source of energy is there even if the wind isn’t blowing or the sun isn’t shining.”

Static electricity builds when electrons leap between two objects that have opposing electrical charges. A stunning handshake occurs when one person has a negative charge, and the other doesn’t.

“As you walk across the floor, you become full of electrons,” said Professor William Kemmler, from the Electromagnetic Compatibility Laboratory at Auburn University. “Eventually more electrons don’t want to come up on you because you’re so charged up. You end up with a high voltage, about 20,000 to 25,000 volts.”

The New Green Deal earmarks $500 billion dollars for infrastructure spending to develop wool-based clothing which is cool enough to wear in the steadily rising temperatures scientists all agree is caused by global See the source imagewarming and offers companies generous tax breaks for replacing tile and hardwood floors with carpeting.

“Twenty thousand volts is, like, a lot, especially when you think that, like, a whole house runs on just one hundred and twenty-volts,” said Ocasio-Cortez. “And with three hundred million people in the United States all wearing sweaters, we would never need another drop of oil to run this country.”

In typically hateful and greedy racist Republican fashion, President Trump tweeted that the idea was “shockingly stupid.”

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