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Fed Raid Shuts Down Local Business

August 19, 2016 Leave a comment

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MUDCAT FALLS — A SWAT team comprised of agents from the United States Department of Agriculture and the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission descended upon RK Meat Packing Company following up a complaint of discrimination and unfair business practices in violation of Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

Armed with statistics from the Civil Rights Division of the Department of Justice and sworn affidavits from the Co-operative of Lesbian Agricultural Professionals, the search warrants served declared the company has a long history of purchasing a disproportionate percentage of livestock from non-LGBT farmers and ranchers.

“Nearly 10 percent of all same-sex couples in the United States live in rural areas,” explained Alicia Fingletart of CLAP. “Big Ag should not be allowed to bully us any more, so the government should force them to do business with us just like bakers and wedding photographers.”

RK Meat Packing of Pistol Creek Junction is one of the nation’s leading suppliers of hot dogs and beef products to public schools, universities, professional sports venues and convenience stores.

“The Office of the Assistant Secretary of Civil Rights, in collaboration with the National Center for Lesbian Rights and CLAP, is engaged with LGBT rural communities across the country to teach lesbian and transgender hillbillies how to get subsidies from the government,” the USDA said. “We are working hard to share information relating to policies, programs, and services that exist to protect, promote and strengthen LGBT rural communities.”

“We categorically deny any wrong doing,” said attorney Steve Dallas on behalf of RK Meat Packing. “I don’t care how Cow mounting cowmany government subsidies a supplier gets, at the end of the day, they must be able to provide the products we need to nourish the nation—especially school children.”

Dallas rudely insinuated that CLAP farmers who elect to impose their personal lifestyles on their animal husbandry practices might not be able to grow their herds sufficiently to meet the nation’s insatiable taste for hot dogs and sausages.

“Gender identity” and “gender expression” are part of the USDA’s anti-discrimination policies.

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PETA Protest “Crackers”?

June 17, 2016 Leave a comment

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PISTOL CREEK — Flush with victory over Feld Entertainment, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals picketed the Pistol Creek Walmart Store to protest the sale of animal crackers.

In March, after 145 years of featuring elephants in its circus acts, Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey announced that it will retire its elephant herd by 2018. A PETA press release claimed credit for overturning nearly two centuries of big top tradition.

“We have cut the head off the snake,” declared Hillary Hickums, President of the Mudcat Falls Chapter of the animal rights activist group, “and now we must reverse over a hundred years of corporate brainwashing of our children.”

Animal biscuit crackers have been made and distributed under the National Biscuit Company banner since the late 1800s. In 1902, animal crackers officially became known as “Barnum’s Animals” and evoked the familiar circus theme of the Barnum and Bailey Circus.

Hickums explained that “dangerous and destructive attitudes of human superiority” which are planted in young, impressionable minds lead to animal abuse in society and antithetical feelings towards vegans in general.

Olivia Munn FurThe cookie aisle in Walmart was ringed with counter protesters from a group identified as Cracker Lovers Against PETA.

“For crying out loud, who are these people who have nothing better to do than spoil everyone else’s fun?” asked an angry white woman, who identified herself as the leader of CLAP. “My kids love them and nobody’s going to mess with this momma bear’s cubs.”

Although largely peaceful, the demonstration was briefly interrupted when paramedics were called to treat a protester who fainted at the sight of a Walmart customer exiting the store eating a Slim Jim.

PETA is known for its “I’d rather go naked than wear fur” ad campaign.

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Study: New Disease Worse than AIDS

May 27, 2016 Leave a comment

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MUDCAT FALLS — Researchers at the Mudcat Falls Community College School of the Psychiatric and Medical Arts have identified a local man as “Patient Zero” in what they claim is a growing pandemic of a new autoimmune disorder raging through our society like a wildfire through old growth forest.

“Post Traumatic Hypochondriacal Stress Disorder can effect anyone with a television, radio or Internet connection,” declared MFCC Brevet Professor Gunther Uberflassen at a press conference yesterday. “So, we need to alert the public that virtually every man, woman and child is at grave risk of illness, death or worse.”

Medical Fear AdMore commonly known as “Worrywart Syndrome,” the anxiety created by an obsession with real and perceived threats to an individual’s health ironically causes an eventual collapse in the body’s ability to fight off disease.

Gila Bend resident Wally Soonyam succumbed to pneumonia in 2012, but a thorough audit of his browsing history, TV viewing habits, favorite talk radio shows and smart phone news feeds revealed an alarming pattern of over exposure to medical warnings from university studies, public health service announcements, CDC advisories, Mayo Clinic Minutes, WebMD searches and pharmaceutical industry advertisements.

“We have found a direct correlation between the cummulative effect of an overdose of unsolicited medical advice and a person’s state of health,” explained Uberflassen. “Being bombarded twenty-four hours a day, three hundred sixty-five days a year with warnings to be alert to the symptoms of everything from Restless Leg Syndrome and Work Shift Disorder to heart attack and stroke eventually takes its toll.”

Uberflassen’s research has been funded by Pfizer, which is developing a Zoloft variant to treat PTHSD.

Dr Elliot ReidGenerically known as sertraline, the drug was introduced to the market by Pfizer in 1991. Sertraline is primarily prescribed for major depressive disorders in adult outpatients as well as obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorder, and social anxiety disorder, in both adults and children. In 2013, it was the most prescribed antidepressant and second most prescribed psychiatric medication (after alprazolam) on the U.S. retail market, with over 41 million prescriptions.

“We are completing our FDA clinical trials and making the media buys for our marketing campaign,” said Pfizer spokesman P.T. Merriweather. “We fully expect physicians to be writing prescriptions by the end of this year, which is good news for consumers who take their good health seriously.”

Sarah Chalke played Dr. Elliot Reid on the television series Scrubs.

 

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Nation’s First Free Evolution Zone

April 29, 2016 Leave a comment

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PISTOL CREEK — The Pistol Creek City Council last night approved what is believed to be the nation’s first “Free Evolution Zone” in the parking lot of the Towne Center Shopping Plaza, which includes anchor stores Piggly Wiggly, Target, Ace Hardware and Cabela’s.

“We are extremely happy with this vote,” said Vic Galapagos, founder and chairman of CLAP, the group that originally proposed the legislation. “We don’t believe anyone should be found criminally liable for the process of natural selection.”

Based loosely on the concept of Free Trade Zones (FTZ) and Urban Enterprise Zones (UEZ), where regulations and the intervention of authorities are greatly reduced to spur economic growth and development, Pistol Creek’s Free Evolution Zone is a specially designated amnesty area where acts normally considered to be felonies may be reduced to misdemeanors or automatically “no billed,” if the victim can be shown to have acted like a complete idiot.

“It’s about time that our society starts thinning the herd for its own good,” said Galapagos. CLAP stands for Culling the Lamebrains and Assholes for Progress. “And we can start right here in the parking lot of the Piggly Wiggly.”

Critics claim Galapagos was personally motivated by several instances of shopping cart dings in his brand new GMC Denali by distracted shoppers texting while navigating through the parking lot.

“While it is true that some of our valued customers might exhibit a deficit of situational awareness, seem excessively self-absorbed and display the appearance of lacking common courtesy and consideration for others,” responded Target spokesperson Caitlin Brady-Giffords, “we would prefer to see the government take a more inclusive approach to finding a solution to this situation.”

Cabela’s, on the other hand, seemed to embrace the new city ordinance with a sale on ammunition.

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Trump: Facebook for Freeloading Foreigners

April 1, 2016 3 comments

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MADISON — Donald Trump, who outrageously declared an entire religion to be personas non grata on America’s shores during his campaign for the GOP Presidential nomination, is now calling for the government takeover of social media to track immigrants in this country.

“Forty percent of illegal immigrants in the United States arrived here with an authorized visa and that is a YUGE part of our immigration problem,” declared the bombastic billionaire at a town hall meeting in the Wisconsin capitol during the run up to the state’s primary next Tuesday. “I just don’t let people check into my fabulous hotels and never check out, though, quite frankly, I understand why they would want to stay because they are the best hotels in the world justFacebook Users at Work like America is the best country in the world. But that’s five or six million people that the government has somehow lost track of that shouldn’t be here any more! You know we don’t have the smartest people in our government, so I say let the private sector do it.”

Trump then called for giving every foreigner coming into the country a government smart phone and a Facebook account already set up with Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents as their “friends,” so their activities and locations can be tracked via their photos, videos and status updates.

The proposal drew an immediate firestorm of denunciations on-line, including a scathing rebuke from Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, who expressed outrage and incredulity that the social networking service he founded should be used as a weapon of oppression against innocent immigrants.

“Facebook is not a tool to spy on people,” Zuckerberg declared. “And Trump’s page should be blocked for saying such un-American things.”

Founded in 2004, the website has grown to 1.6 billion users world-wide. After registering to use the site, users can create a user profile, add other users as “friends”, exchange messages, post status updates and photos, share videos, use various apps and receive notifications when others update their profiles. Additionally, users may join common-interest user groups, organized by workplace, school or college, or other characteristics, and categorize their friends into lists such as “People From Work” or “Close Friends”. Also users can complain or block unpleasant people, like Republicans.

Although dismissed immediately by Democrat candidate Hillary Clinton as patently absurd and mean spirited, her rivalMelania Trump Bernie Sanders noted that having the government “picking your friends” might be an idea worth exploring, as it would lead to a more equitable and fair distribution of relationships for minorities in a society with such a long history of racism and discrimination.

“What a lying loser,” Trump later tweeted about Zuckerberg. “Spying on people is exactly what Facebook is all about and everybody knows it.”

Donald Trump is married to former model Melania Knauss.

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NBA Pressured to Drop Celtics Team Name

February 5, 2016 Leave a comment

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BOSTON — The National Basketball Association finds itself embroiled in controversy over the name of its most successful franchise as a Black Lives Matter splinter group is demanding the Boston Celtics name and mascot be dropped and replaced with a more inclusive and less divisive moniker and logo.

Boston Celtics Mascot“At least ten and a half members of this team are people of color—that’s more than two-thirds of the roster,” explained Dr. Jackson Selma Montgomery, Jr., preacher at the Southside Baptist Church in Mudcat Falls and leader of the group Colored Lives Are Paramount, which gathered at the TD Garden to protest. “And they are ‘represented’ by a tiny white midget off a cereal box who couldn’t dunk a ball to save his life.”

Lucky the Leprechaun has represented the team since the early sixties. It was originally designed by Zang Auerbach, the brother of famed head coach Red Auerbach.

“This is just ridiculous, ‘cause the Celtics were the first to draft an African-American,” said loyal fan Patrick Sean O’Hannity. “I don’t see any of my fellow red-headed Micks out there on the sidewalk whining about the team name. Those guys are just mad because we’ve got a parade and they don’t.”

In 1950, the team signed Chuck Cooper, becoming the first NBA franchise to draft a black player. The franchise’s 17 championships are the most for any NBA franchise, and account for 24.6% of all NBA championships since the league’s founding in 1946. As a percentage of championships won, they are the most successful franchise to date in the major four traditional North American professional sports leagues.

The league office has had no comment on the controversy.

A total of twenty-two members of CLAP picketed the ticket office at the TD Garden. Though out numbered by members of the media, they vowed to be heard.

A counter protest was staged across the parking lot by a local chapter of the Clan of Leprechauns And Pixies.

“Hey, leprechauns are little people, too,” said Sipper O’Reilly, leader of the Lucky-supporting CLAP. “Those guys areLakers Cheerleaders just mad, because the Injuns are stealing their thunder.”

The National Football League has come under fire by Native American groups for the name of their franchise in Washington, D.C.

In an effort to avoid offending any individual sensibilities or perpetrating unintended microaggressions, the Mudcat Falls Times-Herald-Post-Picayune-Press-Gazette-Times has adopted a policy to refrain from any racial, ethnic, cultural or religious references with regards to sports teams.

Tonight, the team hosts their arch-rivals from Latitude 34.0498° N, Longitude -118.2498° E.

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Send Them Packing

October 16, 2015 Leave a comment

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DENVER — This year’s annual Columbus Day protests were marred by an announcement by the Citizens to Let ’em All re-Patriate.org that the group had raised an unprecedented $623 million dollars in its first year of existence.

The arch-conservative group has been labelled racist, fascist, misogynist, misopedonist, homophobic and “just not nice” for its stated mission of freely funding the return of any person discontented with the so-called “American way of life” to the country of their ancestral origins or any other country of their choosing, regardless of race, creed, religion, gender bias or political persuasion.

“There is no place in a free society for such a hateful group to spew such vile thoughts and opinions,” said Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren, who is one thirty-second Cherokee Indian, “and we in the Congress have a duty to investigate them and stop them.”

The CLAP news conference was disrupted by Native American protestors who carried signs and recited chants calling Europeans the “original illegal aliens.”

“Typical liberal hypocrisy, but we believe what’s good for the goose is good for the gander — what works for Native Americans, works for us white guys, too,” said CLAP Chairman Newt Blanchmilk, after the protestors were forcibly removed. “Hey, if Indian tribes, like the Sioux and Cheyenne, were free to nomadically roam the face of the earth, then so were European tribes, like the English and Spanish. We’ve just always had better technology — like ships and celestial navigation — and that’s what we are celebrating today.”

Although the group has raised an astounding amount of money, records show that not one person has applied for funds to leave the United States.

 

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