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Motorhead Support for Obama Goes from Zero to Sixty
DAYTONA BEACH — Republican strategists and Presidential candidate hopefuls are reeling from the shocking results of an ESPN/Daytona Beach Community College poll that shows support for President Barack Obama has rocketed among motor sports fans from 0.5% to 67%.
Fox Sports color commentator Larry McReynolds attributes the seismic political shift to Obama’s initiative thawing relations with Cuba.
“And it’s not about cigars,” said the former NASCAR crew chief. “Once relations between our two nations are normalized the greatest untapped inventory of classic car parts in the Western Hemisphere will become available to hungry restorers.
The Castro regime’s restrictive laws on property ownership have infamously filled city boulevards and country roads across Cuba with 1950s Fords, Buicks and Pontiacs, some in mint condition, others on the verge of collapse.
“As soon as I can book a flight, I’m heading to Havana,” said Porky Chumwater, organizer of the annual Spider Rapids Cruise In, one of the largest in the tri-state area. “It’s like the ANWR of classic cars and I aim to get me a cherry Fifty-seven Chevy.”
The Cuban government has recently established the Comintern for Legacy Automobile Parts to capitalize on the intense interest in the country’s rolling stock of Detroit battlewagons and muscle cars.
CLAP is expected to generate billions in revenue for Castro’s regime.
NASCAR Dads have long been to the Tea Party and right wing extremists what Soccer Mom and African American voting blocks are to Democrats and their defection could spell doom for Republicans in the 2016 elections.
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Local Company Beef with Sir Richard Branson
PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION — A local company has filed suit against English entrepreneur and billionaire Sir Richard Branson.
According to papers filed yesterday with the Calabash County Clerk of Courts, RK Meat Packing is accusing the flamboyant businessman, best known as the founder of the Virgin Group of over four hundred companies, of industrial espionage, patent infringement and copyright violations.
“The bottom line is that limey scoundrel is a recipe rustler,” explained the plaintiff’s attorney, Steve Dallas. “He directed his minions to steal my client’s formulations for test tube beef.”
Branson recently announced the formation of Virgin Carnivore to provide laboratory-grown meat and meat by-products for consumers who refuse to eat anything with a face.
“We believe that the majority of vegetarians and vegans suffer their diet from philosophical and ethical underpinnings, rather than any rational medical necessity,” said Virgin Carnivore spokesman Sir Angus Flankstake. “And now through the miracles of modern science, they, too, can enjoy a delicious sirloin.”
The creation of test tube beef involves the growing, incubating and bulking up of stem cells harvested from bovine 
muscles. It is then combined with separately grown fat cells to create edible cuts of beef.
Virgin’s ‘ethical meat’ will also be kinder to the environment than the real thing, reduce animal suffering, eliminate feed lot odors and help feed the world’s burgeoning population, though the landscaping industry has decried the loss of cow dung for use as fertilizer.
Flankstake dismissed Dallas’s accusations as “blatantly absurd,” claiming that British university professors have long been at the forefront of artificial livestock production research.
“I might buy it, if they had invented test tube mutton,” countered Dallas. “But this is America and we invented cowboys — and real ones, too.”
RK Meat Packing of Pistol Creek Junction is one of the nation’s leading suppliers of hot dogs and beef products to public schools, universities, professional sports venues and convenience stores.
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LGBT Group Protests Evolution
MUDCAT FALLS — A local alternative lifestyle advocacy group, Cranky LesGaBiTransians for Accommodation in Public, staged a demonstration in front of Calabash-Hoover High School today to protest the teaching of the Theory of Evolution.
“It is a violation of our civil rights for a government funded school to indoctrinate the youths of this nation in discriminatory and exclusionary notions that are clearly out of step with the progress of modern human society,” declared Alicia Fingletart, CLAP’s Chief Indignation Officer. “They might as well be forcing those children to pray on their knees to a statue of the baby Jesus, so we are here today calling for the separation of hate and state.”
Fingletart explained that just like intolerant religious and traditional notions of marriage, Darwin’s Theory of Natural Selection presupposes the propagation of species only by the union of one male and one female. CLAP has threatened to seek legal relief, if necessary, citing numerous appellate court successes that have cleared the way to affirm the legality of same-sex marriage in 30 states and the District of Columbia.
“Unfortunately, the considerable power of the Supreme Court does not extend to overruling scientific fact,” said Jean Blyth Empedecles, Executive Director of the Consensus of Literalists for Accuracy in Physiology. “Three plus three does not equal seven, in math or biology.”
Fingletart dismissed such notions being promoted by groups like the scientific CLAP as horrifically antiquated in consideration of medical advances in artificial insemination and in vitro fertilization.
“By definition, ‘artificial’ insemination cannot be natural selection,” countered Empedecles. “What is it that these people do not get about reality?”
The Calabash County Unified School District Board of Education released a statement pledging to consider the sociological CLAP group’s demand to drop Darwin’s theories from the curriculum at their next meeting.
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Union Pickets Local Walmart
PISTOL CREEK — The local Super Walmart was picketed yesterday by union members, protesting the retailer giant’s outsourcing of cremation services to China through kiosks in the store.
Cadaver Laborers and Afterlife Preparers local 19, representing funeral attendants, embalmers, cosmetologists, hearse drivers and casket makers in the tri-country area, marched in groups of six at both store entrances to call attention to the threat to American jobs.
“The dearly departed deserve a better send off than being scanned and shipped to some Asian sweatshop to be scorched by a profit sucking corporation,” said CLAP shop steward and mortician Wilbur Gladson. “Next they’ll be selling imported Wild West toe pinchers in the furniture department.”
To make their point, the group constructed a crude pine box coffin from lumber purchased across the street at Home Depot with a skeleton inside representing the death of the American worker.
Suspecting foul play, store management called local law enforcement to identify the corpse. 
“Geeze, those guys are kind of creepy and zombie-like,” said shopper Alma Sue Wheelshimmy. “They’re all so pasty white they better send someone inside for sun screen, pronto.”
Gladson noted that the growing U.S. trade deficit with China, heavily influenced by Walmart imports, is estimated to have moved over 1.5 million jobs to China since 1989 that might otherwise be in America.
According to the American Federation of Labor and Congress of Industrial Organizations (AFL-CIO), “Walmart is the single largest importer of foreign-produced goods in the United States”, their biggest trading partner is China, and their trade with China alone constitutes approximately 10% of the total U.S. trade deficit with China.
A verbal commitment made recently by Wal-Mart CEO Bill Simon to buy an additional $50 billion in U.S.-made products over the next 10 years has been met with skepticism.
“Just because you’re dead, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to buy American,” said Gladson.
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Study: Capitalism is Hazardous to Your Health
MUDCAT FALLS — A new scientific study has found empirical evidence that capitalism is hazardous to your health.
Brevet Professor Gunther Uberflassen of the Centers for Social and Economic Justice at Mudcat Falls Community College has completed an exhaustive study of traffic accidents and moving violations that statistically demonstrates that capitalists are thirty-seven percent more likely to be injured or killed in a car crash than socialists or Marxists.
The only group at higher risk of death are anarchists.
“We correlated the occupations and political affiliations of drivers with the severity of infractions and injuries, and what we found 
was quite startling,” said Uberflassen. “In general, the highway life expectancies of Democrats and union members are far greater than those of Republicans and white collar workers.”
Uberflassen explained that capitalistic greed and the unbridled drive for the accumulation of personal wealth overwhelm the normal “law and order” tendencies of conservatives, leading them to take greater risks such as speeding and running red lights.
“In general, workers who are ‘on the clock’ — like union members and civil servants — tend to get fewer tickets and become involved in fewer accidents,” said Uberflassen. “Unlike salesmen chasing commissions and business owners seeking obscene profits, who view their time as too valuable to spend sitting in traffic.”
Predictably, the landmark study has drawn the ire of radical right wing talk radio hosts across the dial, who claim that the study, which was funded by the Obama Department of Transportation, is tainted.
“This is just ridiculous,” panted Sean Hannity, syndicated radio personality and Fox News mouthpiece. “Without Henry Ford and good old American capitalism there would be no automobile, so I suppose you could say that every highway death is the direct result of the free enterprise system.”
Senator John D. Rockefeller (D-WV), Chairman of the Committee on Commerce, Science and Transportation, has invited Uberflassen to present his findings at an upcoming hearing.
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Government Sued for Texting Drivers
MUDCAT FALLS — Calabash County and the U.S. Department of Transportation are being sued by the fifty-two drivers involved in a massive, fog-induced pile-up on the Gila Bend section of the Riverside Turnpike which occurred this past spring.
The plaintiff’s complaint claims that the government directly caused the accident by texting drivers, which is against the law in Calabash County.
“I was trying to read a message that was warning of low visibility ahead,” said eighty-three year old Patina Petty of Pistol Creek. “But it was hard to see because of the fog and I accidentally swerved out of my lane.”
Petty’s Oldsmobile Delta 88 clipped the front bumper of a Toyota Prius driven by Sunshine Groenomhelzing setting off a chain reaction accident involving fifty other cars and trucks.
“The law makes texting and driving illegal, plain and simple,” said Steve Dallas, the attorney representing the accident victims. “It doesn’t matter whether that text shows up on a four inch iPhone screen or a forty-foot electronic sign.”
The Department of Transportation had recently installed electronic messaging boards along the turnpike to alert motorists to hazardous conditions, traffic congestion and amber alerts.
Calabash County Commissioner Weezer McFairlane had no comment on the pending litgation.
When reached by telephone, an unnamed official in Secretary of Transportation Anthony Foxx’s office said, “It’s our highway and I think we know best how to run it.”
The official called the suit a frivolous stunt by “local Tea Party yokels” which was “no doubt motivated by racism.”
Since 2009, the U.S. Department of Transportation has pushed for good laws, tough enforcement, and increased public awareness to help combat the deadly epidemic of distracted driving and, today, 44 states, D.C., Puerto Rico, Guam, and the U.S. Virgin Islands ban texting while driving for drivers of all ages.
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Google on NASCAR Losing Streak
SPIDER RAPIDS — Fireball Richards made NASCAR history by finishing dead last for the eighteenth consecutive week in the “ten-to-the-hundredth-power” numbered car at last Saturday’s R.K. Tube Steak 500 at the Spider Rapids Speedway.
“I can’t explain it,” said Crew Chief Earl “Lugs” McCracken. “With the unlimited budget the sponsor has given us, the Google Ford Fusion car is an awesome machine, but it just don’t seem to want get in there and swap paint to move to the front of the pack.”
The Internet behemoth, best known for it’s ubiquitous search engine, sponsored Richards for the 2014 Cup season as a test bed for it’s Self-Driving Car development program. While Richards’ “look ma, no hands” antics have been a fan favorite, his leaderboard results have been cause for growing concern up and down pit road.
“I’m telling you there is something fishy going on here,” said arch rival and three-time NASCAR champion Humpy McCoy. “I think that car is packed with electronics and they’re spying on us by tapping all of our telemetry.”
A recent article on ESPN’s Jayski’s Silly Season Site accused Google of collecting fan cell phone metadata during the race and of using street view cameras mounted behind the right side windows of the car to photograph the grandstands. Jaski’s speculated that the Google car’s slow racing speed is necessary for facial recognition software to capture and catalog each and every fan attending the event.
Tech bloggers have theorized that programmers are having difficulty adapting driverless car algorithms, which are designed for safety on public streets and thoroughfares, to the high speeds, close drafting and car-to-car contact in the pack typical of stock car racing.
Google has not commented publicly on the race results which appear highly uncharacteristic for the hyper-competitive, market-dominating company.
Robin Pemberton, Vice President, Competition and Racing Development, said after Saturday’s R.K. Tube Steak 500 that NASCAR is not aware of any rules violations or other improprieties, but that the competition committee is monitoring the situation closely.
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Undocumenteds File Court Docs Against U.S.
PISTOL CREEK — Calabash County Circuit Court Judge Aristotle Needlemensch has granted class action status to a suit originally filed by Juan Hector Montoya Pechuko against the United States government, specifically the Departments of Housing and Urban Development, Health and Human Services and Homeland Security.
“We are very pleased with the judge’s ruling,” said Clinton Svinktaogle, President of the local chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union. “It is about time that this government be held accountable for the fraud and willful deceit that has reeked havoc upon and irreparably harmed innumerable Hispanic families.”
Pechuko, El Jefe of the Concerned Latinos for Amnesty and Parity, claims to have suffered extreme emotional distress shortly after illegally entering the country, which has left him unable to work.
“I risked my life to cross the Rio Grande and the Arizona desert to make a better life for myself,” said Pechuko. “I yearned to pursue the so-called American dream. Instead, I found myself in Detroit. I wish the Border Patrol had caught me and sent me back.”
In an amicus brief filed with the court, CLAP detailed the striking similarities between the slums of Mexico City and the Motor City, as well as the actions of the United States to lure unsuspecting foreigners into the country to do the jobs Americans won’t do, to live in the places where Americans won’t live and to eat the foods that Americans won’t eat.
“What good is amnesty if there is no parity?” asked Svinktaogle.
The suit, which is asking for unspecified damages, could now involve as many as 11 million plaintiffs.
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NSA Spying on Diners
MOSCOW — National Security Agency whistleblower Edward Snowden’s latest revelation is that the United States government routinely collects information on citizen dining habits by hacking into iPad applications intended to help restaurants manage reservations and waiting lists.
“Unless drone strikes on the hostess stands of Red Robin is now somehow critical to winning the war on terrorism,” said Porky Chumwater, founder and president of the Chowhound League for the Apotheosis of Privacy, “where I hang the feedbag ain’t nobody’s business but my own.”
CLAP claims that the NSA has been hijacked by Michelle Obama’s jihad on obesity. By triangulating the names collected in programs such as Noshlist, Tableista and Diner Connection with cell phone metadata and credit card restaurant charges, the Department of Homeland Security can establish an extremely accurate caloric and cholesterol profile of every citizen in the nation.
A spokesperson for “Let’s Move” dismissed CLAP’s accusations as yet another “crazy, right-wing tin foil hat conspiracy.” She noted, though, that in the 10 cities with the nation’s highest obesity rates, the direct costs connected with obesity and obesity-related diseases are roughly $50 million per 100,000 residents. And if these 10 cities just cut their obesity rates down to the national average, all added up they combine to save nearly $500 million in healthcare costs each year.
“Hey, if you’re eating healthy, what have you got to worry about,” said South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham. “I really don’t mind. Sacrifices have to be made — we are in a war on fat after all.”
Not everyone in Washington D.C. is comfortable with such close scrutiny of their dining habits. In a rare instance of near unanimous bipartisanship, elected officials from both sides of the aisle have privately expressed concern that revelations about their regular patronage of five star restaurants and preferential seating privileges would only reinforce adverse voter perceptions of them as ruling class elites.
The Department of Defense and the C.I.A have denied the existence of “Operation Pig Trough,” as it was identified in the excerpted pages of the classified PowerPoint briefing released by Snowden.
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EPA Raids Planned Parenthood
PISTOL CREEK — Confusion reigns in the wake of an Environmental Protection Agency SWAT team’s raid on the Pistol Creek offices of Planned Parenthood with guns drawn late yesterday afternoon for violations of Section 404 of the Clean Water Act. The
clinic remains closed today as government officials at the federal, state and local levels attempt to sort through a tangled web of conflicting statutes, regulations and Supreme Court case-law.
“This is a travesty wrought by a renegade mid-level, brain-dead, born-again zealotracious bureaucrat,” screeched Hillary Hickums, Chairperson of the Committee for Legalized Abortion Protection. “I didn’t even know Christians could legally work for the EPA because of the First Amendment separation of church and state.”
Late last year, upon the closing of the mandated comment period for a Notice of Proposed Rule Making, regulations, supported by environmental advocacy groups, including Conservationists for Leaving Alone the Planet, went into effect officially designating intra-uterine waterways status as federally protected wetlands, thus making any act which causes damage and destruction to those ecosystems a crime.
“Man, I thought they were talking about, you know, canals and rivers and streams and stuff,” said Digby Dahlhaber, Coordinating Director of the environmental CLAP. “Who would have figured they were talking about the womb. Really? That’s, like, crazy — you know?”
The family planning CLAP has called the regulatory activity which precipitated the raid a devious back door attempt to outlaw abortion by the Christian League for Abortion Prohibition, which they accuse of having secretly planted an evangelical mole within the agency.
“I must say that I am sorely conflicted that EPA officials would equate a woman’s reproductive system with a swamp,” said Reverend Arnold Dieselspiel, minister at the Riverside Charismatic Episcopal Church of the Sacred Sunrise and leader of the 
religious CLAP. “But if it saves one innocent life, well, then, who am I to question God’s will or the wisdom of the United States government?”
Planned Parenthood of Pistol Creek has been ordered to pay a $100,000.00 fine for abortions performed since the regulations went into effect. It is unclear what environmental remediation or restoration the EPA would be able to impose on the organization. Hickums did not know when the clinic will be allowed to reopen.
Regina McCarthy, Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency, declined to comment on an “active investigation,” though a spokesperson for her office said, “this sounds like the kind of policy we would have inherited from George W. Bush.”
The regulations in question were implemented in 2013, during President Obama’s second term.
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