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Environmentalists Cool on the Lord’s Help for Global Warming

April 19, 2019 Leave a comment

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SAN FRANCISCO — A consensus of scientists and climate change activists have banded together to file a law suit against a Christian-based environmental group for co-opting their issue.

“There’s really no need to bring religion into this matter,” explained Sierra Goremundi, self-described Alpha Bitch of the local chapter of the Climate Liberation Action Politburo. “God and global warming just don’t mix. We can take care of the world just fine on our own.”

CLAP is suing another 501(c)3 group calling itself Conserving the Lord Almighty’s Planet for trademark and copyright infringement as well as theft of intellectual property. They have asked the Federal Ninth Circuit Court to issue an emergency injunction order to prevent the religious group from participating in this year’s Earth Day celebration.

“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth,” preached the Reverend Dr. Jackson Selma Montgomery, Jr., minister at the Southside Baptist Church, second generation local civil rights leader and founder of God-CLAP. “I’d say he’s involved.”

Montgomery began organizing prayer vigils and sermonizing during Earth Day celebrations, calling upon his god to heal the planet, which has caused Green-CLAP members understandable discomfort, since they tend to worship Gaia, the ancestral Mother Earth Goddess of all life, if any deity at all.

“Look, us liberals tolerate these people and give them their Sundays,” said Goremundi. “But April 22 is our day and maybe the planet would be better off without all their hot air.”

Earth Day is an annual worldwide event held on April 22 to demonstrate support for environmental protection. First celebrated in 1970, Earth Day now includes events in more than 193 countries, which are now coordinated globally by the Earth Day Network.

Local authorities are preparing for possible unrest at this year’s festival to be held in Poodle Island State Park.

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Undocumented Actors Sue Screen Actors Guild

April 5, 2019 Leave a comment

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HOLLYWOOD — Members of the migrant caravan who marched thousands of miles from Central America through Mexico to the U.S. Border at Tijuana, have filed a law suit against the Screen Actors Guild and the American Federation of Television and Radio Artists for discrimination.

“We are willing to play the roles and do the stunts that American actors will not do,” said Monte Ricardobaum from Honduras. “We have come here to seek a better life for our families and now the Oscar people want to keep us out, just like Trump.”

Ricardobaum and others applied for membership in SAG-AFTRA, citing their performances on Mainstream Media television news outlets and submitting paystubs from the Congress of Latin American Progressives, a George Soros funded organization, which financed and produced the epic saga of their journey to freedom.

Image result for julianne moore“Unfortunately, these people violated Global Rule One, which is never work on a non-SAG project. And this CLAP thing was definitely a non-union deal,” said Clinton Svinktaogle, SAG-AFTRA legal counsel. “If you don’t follow the rules, you don’t get in. It’s as simple as that.”

SAG-AFTRA represents approximately 160,000 actors, announcers, broadcast journalists, dancers, DJs, news writers, news editors, program hosts, puppeteers, recording artists, singers, stunt performers, voiceover artists and other media professionals. Their members are the faces and voices that entertain and inform America and the world.

Julianne Moore has been nominated five times for an Academy Award and won the Oscar for “Best Actress” in 2015 for her performance in Still Alice.

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A Shocking New Source of Green Energy

March 22, 2019 Leave a comment

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WASHINGTON DC — The Green New Deal proposed by Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez includes funding for a “moon-shot” scientific effort to harness a radically new source of clean energy.

“The shock caused by static electricity reveals, like, how you can have more power at your fingertips than you ever imagined,” explained Ocasio-Cortez recently at SXSW. “And, like, best of all, this new source of energy is there even if the wind isn’t blowing or the sun isn’t shining.”

Static electricity builds when electrons leap between two objects that have opposing electrical charges. A stunning handshake occurs when one person has a negative charge, and the other doesn’t.

“As you walk across the floor, you become full of electrons,” said Professor William Kemmler, from the Electromagnetic Compatibility Laboratory at Auburn University. “Eventually more electrons don’t want to come up on you because you’re so charged up. You end up with a high voltage, about 20,000 to 25,000 volts.”

The New Green Deal earmarks $500 billion dollars for infrastructure spending to develop wool-based clothing which is cool enough to wear in the steadily rising temperatures scientists all agree is caused by global See the source imagewarming and offers companies generous tax breaks for replacing tile and hardwood floors with carpeting.

“Twenty thousand volts is, like, a lot, especially when you think that, like, a whole house runs on just one hundred and twenty-volts,” said Ocasio-Cortez. “And with three hundred million people in the United States all wearing sweaters, we would never need another drop of oil to run this country.”

In typically hateful and greedy racist Republican fashion, President Trump tweeted that the idea was “shockingly stupid.”

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No mas…no mas!!!

August 24, 2018 Leave a comment

Fed Raid Shuts Down Local Business

August 19, 2016 Leave a comment

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MUDCAT FALLS — A SWAT team comprised of agents from the United States Department of Agriculture and the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission descended upon RK Meat Packing Company following up a complaint of discrimination and unfair business practices in violation of Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

Armed with statistics from the Civil Rights Division of the Department of Justice and sworn affidavits from the Co-operative of Lesbian Agricultural Professionals, the search warrants served declared the company has a long history of purchasing a disproportionate percentage of livestock from non-LGBT farmers and ranchers.

“Nearly 10 percent of all same-sex couples in the United States live in rural areas,” explained Alicia Fingletart of CLAP. “Big Ag should not be allowed to bully us any more, so the government should force them to do business with us just like bakers and wedding photographers.”

RK Meat Packing of Pistol Creek Junction is one of the nation’s leading suppliers of hot dogs and beef products to public schools, universities, professional sports venues and convenience stores.

“The Office of the Assistant Secretary of Civil Rights, in collaboration with the National Center for Lesbian Rights and CLAP, is engaged with LGBT rural communities across the country to teach lesbian and transgender hillbillies how to get subsidies from the government,” the USDA said. “We are working hard to share information relating to policies, programs, and services that exist to protect, promote and strengthen LGBT rural communities.”

“We categorically deny any wrong doing,” said attorney Steve Dallas on behalf of RK Meat Packing. “I don’t care how Cow mounting cowmany government subsidies a supplier gets, at the end of the day, they must be able to provide the products we need to nourish the nation—especially school children.”

Dallas rudely insinuated that CLAP farmers who elect to impose their personal lifestyles on their animal husbandry practices might not be able to grow their herds sufficiently to meet the nation’s insatiable taste for hot dogs and sausages.

“Gender identity” and “gender expression” are part of the USDA’s anti-discrimination policies.

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PETA Protest “Crackers”?

June 17, 2016 2 comments

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PISTOL CREEK — Flush with victory over Feld Entertainment, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals picketed the Pistol Creek Walmart Store to protest the sale of animal crackers.

In March, after 145 years of featuring elephants in its circus acts, Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey announced that it will retire its elephant herd by 2018. A PETA press release claimed credit for overturning nearly two centuries of big top tradition.

“We have cut the head off the snake,” declared Hillary Hickums, President of the Mudcat Falls Chapter of the animal rights activist group, “and now we must reverse over a hundred years of corporate brainwashing of our children.”

Animal biscuit crackers have been made and distributed under the National Biscuit Company banner since the late 1800s. In 1902, animal crackers officially became known as “Barnum’s Animals” and evoked the familiar circus theme of the Barnum and Bailey Circus.

Hickums explained that “dangerous and destructive attitudes of human superiority” which are planted in young, impressionable minds lead to animal abuse in society and antithetical feelings towards vegans in general.

Olivia Munn FurThe cookie aisle in Walmart was ringed with counter protesters from a group identified as Cracker Lovers Against PETA.

“For crying out loud, who are these people who have nothing better to do than spoil everyone else’s fun?” asked an angry white woman, who identified herself as the leader of CLAP. “My kids love them and nobody’s going to mess with this momma bear’s cubs.”

Although largely peaceful, the demonstration was briefly interrupted when paramedics were called to treat a protester who fainted at the sight of a Walmart customer exiting the store eating a Slim Jim.

PETA is known for its “I’d rather go naked than wear fur” ad campaign.

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Study: New Disease Worse than AIDS

May 27, 2016 Leave a comment

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MUDCAT FALLS — Researchers at the Mudcat Falls Community College School of the Psychiatric and Medical Arts have identified a local man as “Patient Zero” in what they claim is a growing pandemic of a new autoimmune disorder raging through our society like a wildfire through old growth forest.

“Post Traumatic Hypochondriacal Stress Disorder can effect anyone with a television, radio or Internet connection,” declared MFCC Brevet Professor Gunther Uberflassen at a press conference yesterday. “So, we need to alert the public that virtually every man, woman and child is at grave risk of illness, death or worse.”

Medical Fear AdMore commonly known as “Worrywart Syndrome,” the anxiety created by an obsession with real and perceived threats to an individual’s health ironically causes an eventual collapse in the body’s ability to fight off disease.

Gila Bend resident Wally Soonyam succumbed to pneumonia in 2012, but a thorough audit of his browsing history, TV viewing habits, favorite talk radio shows and smart phone news feeds revealed an alarming pattern of over exposure to medical warnings from university studies, public health service announcements, CDC advisories, Mayo Clinic Minutes, WebMD searches and pharmaceutical industry advertisements.

“We have found a direct correlation between the cummulative effect of an overdose of unsolicited medical advice and a person’s state of health,” explained Uberflassen. “Being bombarded twenty-four hours a day, three hundred sixty-five days a year with warnings to be alert to the symptoms of everything from Restless Leg Syndrome and Work Shift Disorder to heart attack and stroke eventually takes its toll.”

Uberflassen’s research has been funded by Pfizer, which is developing a Zoloft variant to treat PTHSD.

Dr Elliot ReidGenerically known as sertraline, the drug was introduced to the market by Pfizer in 1991. Sertraline is primarily prescribed for major depressive disorders in adult outpatients as well as obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorder, and social anxiety disorder, in both adults and children. In 2013, it was the most prescribed antidepressant and second most prescribed psychiatric medication (after alprazolam) on the U.S. retail market, with over 41 million prescriptions.

“We are completing our FDA clinical trials and making the media buys for our marketing campaign,” said Pfizer spokesman P.T. Merriweather. “We fully expect physicians to be writing prescriptions by the end of this year, which is good news for consumers who take their good health seriously.”

Sarah Chalke played Dr. Elliot Reid on the television series Scrubs.

 

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