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Monsanto Rumors Rock the Beltway

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BIRD-IN-HAND, PA — The seismic tremors sweeping the Washington DC beltway are off the Richter Scale at recent leaks from a top secret Monsanto laboratory in the heart of Pennsylvania Amish country that the company has succeeded in developing a genetically modified politician.

No clear consensus has yet emerged from the chattering gaggle of cable news pundits struggling to come to terms with the implications of what GMPs might mean for Democrats, Republicans, lobbyists and the Mainstream Media.

“They’re cloning Trump in Lancaster County!” cried MSNBC’s Rachel Madow apocalyptically. “Our democracy simply cannot survive an army of Orangemen created by evil big business! It’s Armageddon for us all if the government does not stop this madness! We need a Special Prosecutor appointed—now!”

Besides PCBs and DDT, in the 1960s, Monsanto became one of the few companies to produce the biochemical weapon Agent Orange.

Alarmed whispers up and down K Street and in the green rooms of TV news studios reveal deep anxiety over Monsanto making a biological mockery of the separation of church and state.

“You have to ask yourself, Why Lancaster County?” fretted a unnamed Congressional lobbyist who fears for the future of his industry. “Unless they are creating hybrids using Amish seed stock. Politicians with ethics and scruples? It is a death sentence for us.”

Anonymous sources at CNN say the company is holding closed door strategy sessions to gauge the impact on 2020 Presidential election coverage.

“Can you imagine a political campaign with no scandals? No human weaknesses or foibles to expose?” asked Jake Tapper, Chief Washington Correspondent for CNN. “I don’t think the Amish even watch cable news.”

The Amish are a group of traditionalist Christian church fellowships with Swiss German Anabaptist origins. They are closely related to, but distinct from, Mennonite churches. The Amish are known for simple living, plain dress, and reluctance to adopt many conveniences of modern technology.

President Trump tweeted, “Go GMO all the way. No other country—not China, not Europe, not Russia—can match American ingenuity and know-how when it comes to innovation. Thanks for helping to MAGA!”

House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi has vowed to launch Congressional investigations into whether the Trump administration is colluding with the agrochemical industry to rig the elections via the food chain.

“But what about We the People? Isn’t it good for us? And for our country?” asked a self-proclaimed local deplorable and member of the radical alt-right group Clean Living Among Politicians, who requested that his name be withheld but has been identified as Irv Whiteman of 1600 Mockingbird Lane in Mudcat Falls. “Maybe those scientists could also work on a political version of Round-Up.”

Monsanto was acquired by Bayer in 2018.

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