Local Man Charged with Crimes Against Humanity

MUDCAT FALLS — In the first of its kind legal case, a local man has been charged with crimes against humanity for disabling safety devices and failing to follow product warning labels.

“Of course, we are serious,” said Calabash County Prosecutor Drew Phillips at a press conference. “The willful disregard for government-mandated safety is every bit as serious a threat to life as we know it on this planet as the use of fossil fuels, plastic drinking straws and InfoWars.com. You don’t think Congress is down there in Washington DC legislating for the hell of it, do you?”

Paul Rush is alleged to have transferred his medications to regular non-locking screw-top jars, applied lawn fertilizer without fully following label instructions, disabled the kill switch on his lawnmower, eaten undercooked meat, disconnected the seatbelt warning bell in his car, and chronically washed his hands for less than two full choruses of “Happy Birthday” after using public restrooms.

“If my client wasn’t a libertarian before, he sure is now,” said attorney Steve Dallas, who is defending Rush, “There should be a warning label on government that reads ‘keep out of the reach of idiots,’ for crying out loud.”

Authorities were alerted to Rush’s crime spree by his neighbor, a Democrat Precinct Captain, who was offended by his red baseball cap.

“It’s all a yuge misunderstanding,” said Dallas. “He’s a St. Louis Cardinals fan.”

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