A Shocking New Source of Green Energy

WASHINGTON DC — The Green New Deal proposed by Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez includes funding for a “moon-shot” scientific effort to harness a radically new source of clean energy.

“The shock caused by static electricity reveals, like, how you can have more power at your fingertips than you ever imagined,” explained Ocasio-Cortez recently at SXSW. “And, like, best of all, this new source of energy is there even if the wind isn’t blowing or the sun isn’t shining.”

Static electricity builds when electrons leap between two objects that have opposing electrical charges. A stunning handshake occurs when one person has a negative charge, and the other doesn’t.

“As you walk across the floor, you become full of electrons,” said Professor William Kemmler, from the Electromagnetic Compatibility Laboratory at Auburn University. “Eventually more electrons don’t want to come up on you because you’re so charged up. You end up with a high voltage, about 20,000 to 25,000 volts.”

The New Green Deal earmarks $500 billion dollars for infrastructure spending to develop wool-based clothing which is cool enough to wear in the steadily rising temperatures scientists all agree is caused by global warming and offers companies generous tax breaks for replacing tile and hardwood floors with carpeting.

“Twenty thousand volts is, like, a lot, especially when you think that, like, a whole house runs on just one hundred and twenty-volts,” said Ocasio-Cortez. “And with three hundred million people in the United States all wearing sweaters, we would never need another drop of oil to run this country.”

In typically hateful and greedy racist Republican fashion, President Trump tweeted that the idea was “shockingly stupid.”

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