Home > Mudcat Falls Hometown News > NSA Spying on Diners

NSA Spying on Diners

Mudcat Falls Masthead for WP - 500w

MOSCOW — National Security Agency whistleblower Edward Snowden’s latest revelation is that the United States government routinely collects information on citizen dining habits by hacking into iPad applications intended to help restaurants manage reservations and waiting lists.MF140326 - Seinfeld Four

“Unless drone strikes on the hostess stands of Red Robin is now somehow critical to winning the war on terrorism,” said Porky Chumwater, founder and president of the Chowhound League for the Apotheosis of Privacy, “where I hang the feedbag ain’t nobody’s business but my own.”

CLAP claims that the NSA has been hijacked by Michelle Obama’s jihad on obesity. By triangulating the names collected in programs such as Noshlist, Tableista and Diner Connection with cell phone metadata and credit card restaurant charges, the Department of Homeland Security can establish an extremely accurate caloric and cholesterol profile of every citizen in the nation.

A spokesperson for “Let’s Move” dismissed CLAP’s accusations as yet another “crazy, right-wing tin foil hat conspiracy.” She noted, though, that in the 10 cities with the nation’s highest obesity rates, the direct costs connected with obesity and obesity-related diseases are roughly $50 million per 100,000 residents. And if these 10 cities just cut their obesity rates down to the national average, all added up they combine to save nearly $500 million in healthcare costs each year.

“Hey, if you’re eating healthy, what have you got to worry about,” said South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham. “I really don’t mind. Sacrifices have to be made — we are in a war on fat after all.”

MF140326 - Chris ChristieNot everyone in Washington D.C. is comfortable with such close scrutiny of their dining habits. In a rare instance of near unanimous bipartisanship, elected officials from both sides of the aisle have privately expressed concern that revelations about their regular patronage of five star restaurants and preferential seating privileges would only reinforce adverse voter perceptions of them as ruling class elites.

The Department of Defense and the C.I.A have denied the existence of “Operation Pig Trough,” as it was identified in the excerpted pages of the classified PowerPoint briefing released by Snowden.


All the Fits as News to Print

Serving Mudcat Falls Since 1854


  1. No comments yet.
  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: