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ObamaCare for Your Stuff

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WASHINGTON DC  —  Undeterred by the server glitches, software bugs, security issues, missed deadlines, policy cancellations, applicant confusion and apparently massive consumer apathy in the roll-out of HealthCare.gov, the White House has announced a major expansion of ObamaCare to cover not only Citizens’ corporeal entities with mandatory health insurance coverage, but their personal possessions and purchases as well — just in time for the holiday shopping season.

“American families are but one blown circuit board away from being cut off from the mainstream media by the loss of their HDTV; one cracked iPad screen away from losing touch with family, friends and politicians on Twitter and Facebook; one submersed cellMFN131202 - Trashed TV phone away from not being able to contact their ObamaCare Navigator,” said Penny Pritzker, Secretary of Commerce at a joint press conference with Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Selelius. “What good is your health, if you don’t have any stuff to enjoy with it?”

The Departments of Commerce and Health and Human Services have announced a bold new initiative to provide universal warranty coverage for all consumer products purchased in the United States through a new website: MyStuff.gov.

It appears that at least one of the three thousand times the phrase ‘The Secretary shall’ appears in the Affordable Care Act authorizes this expansion of government mandated protections beyond health and medical concerns.

“They weren’t happy taking over one-sixth of the U.S. economy with ObamaCare,” whined heartless conservative radio talk show raconteur Rush Limbaugh predictably over the nation’s airwaves, from which he greedily rakes in a handsome profit without any apparent remorse. “Now they want it all and I hope he fails.”

Citing a confusing array of substandard warranties with varying coverage periods, often with exclusions for most everything beyond defects in materials and workmanship, the Administration is promising better plans, stronger benefits and stronger protection for all.

“There are a hundred and forty-seven million Americans who do not have warranty coverage on major appliances, home entertainment components and automobiles,” said President Obama during a speech at the Robert T. and Elizabeth R. Slippinfal Institute for Legal Studies at the Cal State University Extension Center in Rio Linda. “It is not fair that only the wealthy in this great nation can afford extended warranty coverage and replacement guarantee plans with their American Express cards.”

MFN131202 Black Friday Crowd - w300Business leaders warn that the added costs of mandatory warranty coverage will drive consumer prices sky high. Some manufacturers are threatening to abandon the U.S. market altogether, causing critical shortages of consumer items and making prospects for future Black Friday shopping binges a little dimmer.

White House Spokesman Jay Carney declined to answer if any consumer who likes his warranty coverage can keep his current plan or can even keep the make and model of the covered item.

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