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Ivy Leaguers Beleaguered

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NEW HAVEN — Lacrosse sticks have fallen silent all across the NCAA, as Judge Aristotle Needlemensch issued a restraining order halting sanctioned competition on American college campuses.

The ruling came as a result of a lawsuit brought by Walter Elk Intestines, spiritual leader for the local Shemp-Pa-Queeg tribe and spokesman for the Congress of the Legacy Americans Population, claiming cultural identity theft and asking for unspecified damages.

“This is real life, not the wild, wild web where you can just take whatever intellectual property is out there,” said attorney Steve Dallas, who appeared on behalf of CLAP. “Believe me, the Parker Brothers wouldn’t let you just give Monopoly some foo-foo, fancy Frenchie name and start making money.”

American Indian tribes began playing the game now called Lacrosse as early as the 1400s, being called baggataway by the Iroquois, Hurons and Algonquins. The Cherokees called the sport “the little brother of war” because it was considered excellent military training.

“But there’s got to be something unconstitutional about this, like freedom of assembly or something,” whined Rance Seddly, co-captain of the Yale Bulldog team and founder of Collegiate Lacrosse Association of Players. “Can’t those law review guys do something useful for once and fix this?”

Besides the Yale Law Review, CLAP has contacted the ACLU, the NCAA, Dick’s Sporting Goods, and Reebok, exclusive sponsor of the movie Crooked Arrows, a sports film set in the world of Lacrosse scheduled for release later this year.

CLAP plans an appeal if they can find an attorney willing to do battle with Native Americans.

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