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ACLU Expanding Market Reach

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MUDCAT FALLS — The Bush Recession has not only hurt retail sales, the American Civil Liberties Union has also seen a dramatic drop off in revenues, especially during the holiday season.

“We stay busy year round, too, with the Boy Scouts, parks, military cemetery grave markers and what not, but just like retailers, we generate most of our revenue during the holiday season,” said Clinton Svinktaogle, President of the local chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union. “Christmas is usually a very lucrative time for the ACLU, with all the nativity scenes, caroling and religious light displays, but unfortunately municipalities, like businesses and consumers, are cutting back and this is affecting our bottom line. It is definitely all George W. Bush’s fault.”

Svinktaogle explained that ACLU is exploring options to expand their revenue generation by looking at new opportunities for legal actions, suits and settlements in nontraditional markets where civil rights and civil liberties may be threatened.

The first initiatives planned locally are law suits against Chateau Porky’s restaurant for their traditional Friday fish fry and the Barleycorn District’s Fairvale Hotel for the placement of Gideon bibles in their night stands. Both actions are being brought on behalf of the Council for Liberating Atheism from Prejudice.

“If eating and sleeping without fear of recrimination or oppression are not basic rights in this country,” asked Kirk E. Gordon, materialistic leader of CLAP, “then I don’t know what is — and, then, what good even is the Constitution and the Bill of Rights?”

Gordon is calling for unspecified damages, as well as for Jean Paul Sartre’s Being and Nothingness, to be placed beside each and every Gideon bible in the nation’s hotels and motels.

“We’ve got salaries, pensions and bills to pay, too, and Judeo-Christian symbols and icons pervade our society, so we need to get creative in response to economic realities,” explained Svinktaogle. “Locally, we’re not blessed with a Governor named ‘Chris Christie’ — who in no way should ever get even close to a seat of government power with a name like that — so we have to get creative.”

CLAP is also calling for action against XXX theaters and other purveyors of pornography for an unfairly favoring the “missionary position,” which arose in response to Christian missionaries, who taught that the position was the only proper way to engage in sexual intercourse.

Svinktaogle said the ACLU takes all claims of civil rights violations seriously and investigates those situations thoroughly.

The ACLU lawyer has recently been observed entering and leaving the Lyceum Arts Theater downtown on numerous occasions.

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