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Polar Bears Threatened

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GILA BEND — Drowning in a veritable alphabet soup of protest groups, the Calabash County Polar Bear Club’s annual New Years Day dip in the icy waters off Poodle Island got a chilly reception from concerned citizens gathered from across the political spectrum.

“Every year, these environmental infidels indiscriminately disrupt the natural state of the river at this time of year by warming the waters en mass with their body temperature, endangering our local wildlife by altering their natural habitat,” said Digby Dalhaber, spokesperson for the Climate Liberation Action Platoon. “Their selfishness and vanity is symbolic of all mankind’s rape of Mother Earth.”

CLAP’s claims of environmental calamity were disputed by a right-wing hate group known as Calling-out Liars About the Planet.

“Come on, these Polar Bear folks are harmless,” said CLAP’s extremist leader, Hunter Killwail. “The real reason that the river never freezes here isn’t due to human beings — it’s because of the Tornado Alley nuclear power plant upstream.”

In a totally separate protest, the Campaign to Legalize Animals as People claimed that the bizarre bathing ritual denigrates and offends real polar bears, violating their civil rights.

“It is homo-centric identity theft — just like the crimes that ‘Big Sports’ gets away with every day in this country,” said CLAP’s Chairperson, Hillary Hickums. “If this country truly embraces equality, then these and all creatures should enjoy the full protections of our constitution and have access to the court system to insure there is truly social justice for all who share this planet.”

CLAP’s concern for the legal status of the earth’s fauna was countered by the Christian Legion Athwarting Paganism.

“In deifying the planet and nature, they defy God’s First Commandment,” sermonized CLAP’s spiritual leader, Reverend Arthur Dieselspel. “I am the LORD your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt, from the house of slavery. You shall have no other gods before Me…”

What was, at first, mistaken to be just a quiet gathering of bystanders turned out to be yet another advocacy group.

“We call ourselves Apathetic People Preferring to be Left Alone Unless it’s Something Entertaining,” said local attorney Steve Dallas, who strongly emphasized he was not in any way an official spokesman for the group, adding with a heavy sigh, “We’re only here because summer is still six months away.”

It was an anonymous member of APPLAUSE who noticed that octogenarian Screed Mullins, the oldest member of the Calabash Country Polar Bear Club, had lost consciousness due to hypothermia and was swept downstream by river currents.

Park rangers quickly rescued Mullins and he was taken to Calabash County Memorial Hospital, where he is expected to make a full recovery.

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