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Soccer Moms Caged

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PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION — Agents from the office of the Commissar for Litigation of Athletic Parity descended upon the Whormelmier County Park soccer fields over the weekend and rounded up parents suspected of surreptitiously keeping score during the Calabash Cup Soccer Competition Finals.

“We received a credible, anonymous tip of unauthorized numerical and statistical activity going on within one thousand feet of a youth sporting event,” said CLAP Supervisory Special Agent J.L. DeWitt, “so under the powers of Executive Order 9066, we declared the playing fields and spectator areas exclusion zones and moved the suspected offenders to the appropriate containment areas.”

Approximately fifty persons were detained.

The office of CLAP, created by The Health Care and Education Reconciliation Act of 2010, is charged with protecting minors from the well-known ravages of unbridled competition.

Score keeping is widely viewed as one of the most pernicious and widespread forms of discrimination within American society. Scientific consensus has established the practice as the primary source of violence that sometimes occurs at sporting events.  Both Title IX of the Education Amendments of 1972 and the rules and by-laws of the United States Soccer Regime, forbid discrimination.

Although the youth soccer games continued during the roundup, most of the fathers remaining in the stands had gravitated to the women’s containment area by the time play had concluded.

The final results of the Calabash Cup are not known.

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