First Lady’s First Pitch for Healthy Eating

WASHINGTON DC — In lieu of a ceremonial Presidential first pitch, First Lady Michelle Obama was on hand to serve the first tofu dog at the Washington Nationals opening day, shifting her “Let’s Move” campaign against obesity from the school lunchroom to sports concession stands.

“We need to fundamentally change this country’s diet,” said the First Lady, as she served a slightly confused looking fan who was expecting a regular coney. “And, ironically enough, sports fans and their children are some of the nation’s most obese citizens and not only does their decreased productivity and life expectancy endanger long-term American economic prosperity, their diet-related diseases like asthma, diabetes, hypertension and certain cancers are slowly adding to the national health care burden. “

Nationals Park, which is also the very first LEED-certified green major professional sports stadium in the United States, has banned all unhealthy and dangerous foods, including hot dogs, french fries, nachos, Cracker Jacks and, due to potential allergic reactions, peanuts, replacing them with heart healthy alternatives, such as carrots, apple fries, celery, cauliflower and tofu substitutes. Tortilla chips and salsa were hastily added after Latino players threatened to boycott the venue when the mystery cheese-like topping on stadium nachos was deemed a health hazard and possible carcinogen.

“No peanuts? No flippin’ Cracker Jacks? First they mess with our game, then they mess with our eats and next they’ll mess with our flippin’ song,” groused Nationals third base coach Spitball Norton. “Babe Ruth did it on hot dogs, for Christ’s  sake. This just ain’t the national pastime I grew up with.”

District of Columbia Representative Eleanor Holmes Norton joined the First Lady and vowed to have the House Un-American Sports Activity Committee, which she co-chairs, investigate excessive calorie consumption in professional sports, now that Congress has cleaned up the use of performance enhancing steroids in baseball.

In addition to menu changes, the stadium scoreboard featured not only batting averages and ERAs, but also the player’s height, weight and body mass index. A running total of the caloric intake of the 39,055 fans in attendance was also displayed during the game.

The Nationals lost to the Atlanta Braves 2-0. Concession stand sales plummeted 82% from opening day 2010.

A spokeswoman for the First Lady later noted that Mrs. Obama prefers Hank Aaron to Babe Ruth, because “Mr. Aaron did it with class, not questionable meat by-products.”

Unwelcome Shriners

TAMPA — Red-faced government officials are scrambling to justify and explain their raid on a “suspected domestic terrorist group” based in Florida, which turned out to be a well-known fraternal organization.

Shortly after eight o’clock in the morning, special agents of the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security swooped in to serve search warrants, seizing files and computers at the headquarters of the Ancient Arabic Order of the Nobles of the Mystic Shrine, also commonly known as the Shriners.

“We had received credible intelligence of an upcoming domestic terrorist plot involving car bombs to be unleashed in Denver, Colorado, over the July Fourth weekend,” said DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano at a hastily called press conference. “We have to take all such threats seriously and simply cannot blindly discriminate for or against groups because of our societal preconceptions and personal prejudices.”

The Shriners International website describes itself as a fraternity based on fun, fellowship and the Masonic principles of brotherly love, relief and truth. The group claims to have approximately 340,000 members from 193 temples (chapters) in the U.S., Canada, Mexico, the Philippines, Puerto Rico and the Republic of Panama, which, Napolitano noted, would have made it the largest known terrorist cell to be uncovered in the United States.

The group is scheduled to hold their 137th Imperial Session in Denver Colorado, July 3-7, 2011. Thousands of Shriners are expected to attend, including clown units, motor patrols, band units.

The organization is best-known for the Shriners Hospitals for Children they administer and the red fezzes that members wear.

The FBI is still reviewing the materials seized in the raid. No arrests have been made.

Attorney General Eric Holder declined to comment on what his office said is an “ongoing investigation.”

Chevy Volt: “Old Sparky”

DETROIT — In the wake of spring flooding in the United States and the recent Japanese tsunami, General Motors is facing a mounting public relations disaster with their recently introduced flagship “green” model, the Chevy “Volt.”

While GM proclaims “the future is electrifying,” some of even the most ardent environmentalist consumers are having second thoughts, as several electric car owners reportedly have been electrocuted after being caught in rising flood waters.

“We outlawed capital punishment, but now we have cruel and unusual punishment on the highways,” said Sunshine Groenomhelzing, whose husband, Brock, was electrocuted when his 2011 Chevy Volt got caught in a flash flood in Gila Bend Gorge. “He wanted to save the planet and Republicans executed him for it.”

Some have begun referring to electric cars as “Old Sparky,” which is the nickname of the electric chairs in Arkansas, Connecticut, Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Kentucky, Nebraska, Ohio, Oklahoma, New York, Texas, and Virginia.

The Chevrolet Volt is a plug-in hybrid electric vehicle manufactured by the Chevrolet division of General Motors. The Volt has been on sale in the U.S. market since mid-December 2010. The all-electric Nissan Leaf was also introduced at the end of 2010. Toyota has sold nearly a million Prius hybrids in the United States.

“It’s like throwing a toaster into the bath tub,” said Attorney Steven Dallas, who is representing Groenomhelzing in her wrongful death suit against GM. “You’d have think somebody there might have figured out that water and electricity don’t mix.”

Spring flooding has already begun and the worst is yet to come, with the greatest danger in the Northeast and Midwest, government forecasters said Thursday.

“The stage is set for widespread, major flooding,” National Weather Service Director Jack Hayes said. “The worst is still ahead.”

NASCAR Black Flagged Going Green

DAYTONA BEACH — Not everyone is embracing NASCAR’s move to E15 Ethanol blend fuel using American-made ethanol from corn grown by American farmers for the 2011 season.

“NASCAR is committed to being an environmental leader, and the sport has taken significant steps over the years toward conservation by introducing measurable, best-in-class initiatives in recycling, alternative energy, and carbon mitigation,” said Brian France, chairman and CEO of NASCAR, who claims the move will reduce the carbon footprint of their races. “We’re not exactly certain, how, but there is a benefit.”

Ironically, stock car racing in the United States has its origins in bootlegging during Prohibition, when drivers ran bootleg whiskey made primarily in the Appalachian region of the United States. Bootleggers needed to distribute their illicit products, and they typically used small, fast vehicles to better evade the police. Many of the drivers would modify their cars for speed and handling, as well as increased cargo capacity, and some of them came to love the fast-paced driving down twisted mountain roads.

Despite that storied heritage, some fans have yet to embrace the move away from gasoline.

“This ain’t a sport for tree hugging weenies,” said local fan Porky Chumwater. “And look at what they’re doing to our food supply .”

The cost of concession stand corn dogs has risen 467% at tracks across the country this season creating unprecedented unrest among even the most ardent NASCAR fans.

The popular motor sport is also taking heat from alcohol abuse prevention groups like Alcholics Anonymous, AL-ANON, Alateen and the Christian League for Alcohol Prohibition.

“Ethanol fuel is really ethyl alcohol which is the same type of alcohol found in whiskey, gin and demon rum,” said Michelle O’Camlin, Executive Director of CLAP. “What message is this sport sending to the children of this country?”

While the switch to ethanol might be the most important step in achieving an ancillary benefit — attracting new sponsors in the green economy to cash-strapped teams hurting for funding since the onset of the recession — NASCAR has to be careful not to alienate what is traditionally a staunchly conservative fan base.

Danica Patrick drives the #7 Go-Daddy Chevrolet in NASCAR’s Nationwide series.

EPA Celebrity CFL Campaign

WASHINGTON DC — The Environmental Protection Agency is enlisting celebrity assistance to help the public make the transition from incandescent light bulbs to the new compact florescent lights as mandated by the Energy Independence and Security Act of 2007.

“Any time there is a change, citizens are wary and resistant,” said EPA CFL Czar Edison Skopfmueller, “And a familiar figure can often ease their anxieties and promote acceptance.”

Starting in 2012, government efficiency standards will dictate that all incandescent light bulbs between 40 and 100 watts be outlawed in America.

Former Starkist spokesfish, Charlie the Tuna, will be used to help quell rising fears over the mercury content of CFLs.

“There is much misinformation about CFLs being reckless spread by the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck,” said Skopfmueller. “It is important that citizens understand that mercury and mercury vapors are not necessarily harmful to themselves, their children and their pets, if they faithfully follow the EPA’s recommended one hundred and twelve step process for cleaning up the hazardous waste zone surrounding a CFL break.”

To protect the environment and standardize light bulb disposal and recycling requirements, the U.S. government enacted Federal Universal Waste Rule 40 CFR part 273. Charlie the Tuna will help explain those laws to consumers in a series of in print, broadcast and muppet public service announcements

Skopfmueller also notes that the private sector has not “stepped up to the plate” in promoting CFLs with their usual Madison Avenue enthusiasm and vigor, so the EPA will hire Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Ashley Greene to promote CFL usage to the public, especially the skeptical “white NASCAR dad” demographic.

“Those tried and true marketing and advertising techniques, proven so effective for foisting beer and automobile products on the public, need to be brought to bear on this vital public issue,” said Skopfmueller. “Sex sells, so sex should sell CFLs, too. The fate of the planet might just depend upon it.”

The EPA’s ads and public service announcements are slated to begin appearing later this year.

Union Protests Spread to California

SAN FRANCISCO — A wildcat strike by the California Legislators, Administrators and Paper-pushers Local #19 shut down city hall yesterday, as hundreds of members and sympathizers staged a sit-down to call attention to their demands for the right of workers to retire with dignity.

While most public sector unions across the nation are battling just to maintain existing wage and benefit packages, CLAP Local #19 is demanding new benefits from the City of San Francisco, including a call for Master Contract Article 29 Sick Leave Days be extended to all retirees.

“When you’re young, you don’t really get sick all that often and most people do not use their full allotment during the year,” said Brutus McLewis, President of Local Nineteen. “When you really need those medical leave days is when you’re old and infirm.”

Ben Rosenfield, Controller for the City and County of San Francisco, claimed that such a concession would cost billions of dollars, which would bankrupt the local government.

“Not our problem,” said McLewis. “We have an absolute constitutional right to retire with dignity and benefits. We want it and we want it now.”

CLAP Local #19 is also seeking to expand the scope of allowable medical leave documentation to include excuse notes from alternative medicine practitioners, including medical marijuana shop owners, feng shui consultants and psychics.

It is expected that the union will be successful in their contract negotiation, as the San Francisco Board of Supervisors is represented by California Legislators, Administrators and Paper-Pushers Local #13.

Group to NFL: Change Name of Chiefs

KANSAS CITY — A group of local businessmen has formally petitioned the National Football League to change the official name of the Kansas City franchise from the “Chiefs” to the “CEOs”.

“It is actually a quite eloquent solution, because it resolves the angst of the Native American Indians caused by political incorrectness, yet allows us sports fans to retain the beloved nickname of the hometown team we grew up with,” said John Henry Andrew Gatesbuffet, founder of the CEOs for Litigation Avoidance and Profits. “After all, we are called the ‘Chief’ Executive Officers of our companies, so it fits perfectly. It really is a classic Win-Win-Win solution for all parties involved.”

The CLAP proposal recommends changing the name of “Arrowhead Stadium” to “Boardroom Field” and making the new logo the silhouette of a Gulfstream G-5, but notes that team colors could remain the same in honor of the traditional white shirt and red tie attire of top business leaders. The group also calls for changes to the cheerleader’s outfits to make them look like sexy business suits.

Local Calabash County Native American rights activist, Chief Walter Elk Intestines of the Shemp-Pa-Queeg tribe, seemed confused and sputtered unintelligibly when he learned the details of the proposal.

The NFL has yet to comment on CLAP’s petition.

Unions, Radicals Seek to Spread Riots On-Line

SILICON VALLEY — In high level, top secret meetings union leaders, community organizers and social media gurus have been urgently huddling to explore ways to leverage technology in order to conduct traditional picketing and demonstrating on the world wide web.

“Having thirty-five thousand people show up at the Wisconsin capitol building in Madison certainly makes a statement,” said Albert Slaughter, Vice-President of Outreach for the Coalition of Labor Against Penuriousness. “But imagine if we could get all sixteen million of our folks right in the face of everybody on Facebook and shut down their daily lives until our demands are met.”

Tens of thousands of concerned citizens have gathered to protest a Republican bill eliminating most collective bargaining rights from nearly all Wisconsin public employees.

It is estimated that Facebook has over 600 million active monthly users. Social media web sites like Facebook and Twitter have been credited with a key role in organizing the recent revolution in Egypt and demonstrations in Iran, Yemen, Bahrain and Libya.

Internal CLAP documents released by Wikileaks show that unions and activist groups are suffering under the weight of increased transportation costs due to rising oil prices required to get significant mobs of protesters bussed to a growing number of demonstration sites. Those expenses would be eliminated with on-line demonstrations, where protesters would, presumably, participate from their home or work  internet connections. Hundreds of thousands of dollars in printing costs for signs and banners would also be saved by using gif and jpeg images.

Another leaked memo postulated that not having to contend with cold weather demonstration locations, like Wisconsin, Ohio and Minnesota in February, could allow for a more attractive visual protest presentation, thereby garnering more support for their cause, especially from so-called angry white male “NASCAR dads.”

Black History Month Protested

MUDCAT FALLS — Protests over Black History Month came from an unexpected quarter, when a group of demonstrators, led by local second generation civil rights leader Reverend Montgomery Selma Jackson, marched outside the Calabash County Courthouse against February being the month designated to celebrate the achievements by black Americans and a time for recognizing the central role of African-Americans in U.S. History.

“The Constitution made us three-fifths of a person,” exclaimed Jackson, head of the Council of Leadership for African-American Parity. “And even now — more than two hundred years later — we are still only nine-tenths whole in the eyes of this society.”

CLAP contends that selecting the shortest month of the year to honor African-Americans is a perpetuation of inequality and racism in the United States. The United Kingdom celebrates African-American History Month in October, which has thirty-one days. February normally has only twenty-eight days, though every fourth year, known as “leap year,” the month is twenty-nine days long.

Black History Month actually started as Negro History Week in 1926 by noted historian Carter G. Woodson. The goal of Black History Week was to educate the American people about African-Americans’ cultural backgrounds and reputable achievements.

Carter G. Woodson

Every President since 1976 has officially designated February as Black History Month.

“Dr. King’s dream of equality was not to put one black family in the White House — the dream was to make everything equal in everybody’s house,” lectured Jackson. “And with the Super Bowl, the Grammies and NASCAR’s Daytona 500, nobody’s paying any attention to history.”

The month of February is also American Heart Month, International Boost Self-Esteem Month, International Embroidery Month, Library Lovers Month, National Cherry Month, National Children’s Dental Health Month, National Snack Food Month, and Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month.

Instead of demanding a new month, CLAP is calling on Congress to pass legislation establishing an outcome based calendar, where every month is equal with thirty days each, though a consensus of astronomers and scientists deems that proposal unworkable for technical reasons.

CLAP is also seeking to extend Title IX Affirmative Action to months, holidays and special events to assure the proper priority and attention is accorded to Woodson’s original vision.

Super Bowl Protest Flushed

ARLINGTON — Top secret NFL SWAT teams swooped down on and detained protesters seeking to use the world’s biggest sporting event as a backdrop for their protest just prior to kick-off.

Approximately 30-40 members of the Committee for Legislating Athletic Parity were taken into custody and held until late Monday, when they were released nearly six hundred miles away in the border town of Juarez, Mexico.

CLAP has long called upon Congress to force American “Big Sports” to eliminate all championship and all-star games as unfair, unjust and discriminatory, particularly against minorities of mediocre talent, claiming it sets a poor example on equality for the youth of this country and undermines educator efforts to boost the self-esteem of our youngest and most vulnerable citizens. The group also opposes the NCAA Bowl Championship Series and the so-called “March Madness.”

“The last time I looked this was a free country,” said CLAP Chairperson Dr. Leon Icepick, professor of Social Justice at the University of California, Berkeley, in a phone interview from Mexico. “The NFL has to realize that they are not the ones in charge. The United Nations, the Hauge, Eric Holder and the Obama Administration need to step up here and investigate Roger Goodell for war crimes.”

The White House had no comment on the unprecedented and previously unknown rendition agreement between the National Football League and the government of Mexico. Although details are not know, it is rumored that the NFL plays a regular season game at Azteca Stadium in Mexico City, as well as other foreign countries each year as a part of that international sports treaty.

“They are absolutely right, this is a free country,” said Jerry Jones, owner of the Dallas Cowboys. “Dr. Icepick is free to acquire seventy-three acres of land and build his own billion dollar, state-of-the-art facility and fill it with a hundred thousand supporters — though he better think hard about getting himself some better looking cheerleaders than what he’s got.”

Cowboys Stadium, where Super Bowl XLV was played, was completed in 2009 and is reported to have cost $1.2 billion dollars to build.

CLAP has yet to release a policy statement on cheer leading teams.

The Green Bay Packers defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers 31-25 in Sunday night’s game.

Icepick and his supporters remain in Mexico.